the joke thread

[nickmelll]

post ur jokes

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[nickmelll]

another..



An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

Why'd the chicken cross the road? To prove to the raccoon he could make it.

[400exrules]

go to bed with problem in hand, wake up with solution

[CHEVYZ]

Here are some that my buddies posted on another forum.......
#1 Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the
evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got
involved in a passionate and energetic session of sex.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and
snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began
tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be
ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic,
and miss the days when I had mine."
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#2 (Thought this was funny) Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
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#3 Potential & Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

He asks his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says,
"I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.
"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room.
"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father.
"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks,
but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

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#4 WASTING TIME...

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen,
she dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks,

"What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know how your daddy has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasteing your time" say's the boy.

"Why is that?", asked his mother puzzeld.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her kness
and blows it right back up."
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#5 At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England
stood up:

"At last years' conference we spoke about being more
assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home
and
told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he
would
have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my
washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the
first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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#6 A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished,
but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's
nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should
be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle.
Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us
to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands
it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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I will post some more later on....

[zedicus00]

how do you make 4 pounds of fat look good.....?



put a nipple on it... BADum-CHHH!!!

[quadsquadron221]

A little boy is about 10 years old and his grandpa are out fishing and the grandpa is drinking a beer and the little boy says grandpa can i have a drink of that. The grandpa say can you touch your dick to your ***. The little boy says no and the grandpa says well your not old enough then.

A few years down the road the little boy is about 15 and is fishing with his granpa who is drinking beer. The little boy says grandpa can i have a drink of that beer and the granpa says can you touch your dick to your *** and the little boy says no so grandpa says your still not old enough yet.

A few more years go by and the kid is about 24 and he and grandpa are out fishing and the kid is pounding the beers. Grandpa says grandson can i have one of your beers the kid replys can you tough you dick to your ***, the grandpa says yes and the kid replys well why dont you go **** yourself.

[1fst400]

" I was madder than a keebler elfe geting demoted to fudge pecker!"

[Rider-trx_250ex]

So there is this traveler lost in the woods and he comes across a cabin. He makes his way to it and knocks on the door.

An old chinese man answers and says "you are lost , you may eat and spend the night as long as you keep your hands off of my daughter. And if you don't, I will inflict the 3 chinese torture methods on you." The traveler is amazed as how he knows this and is thinking sure, his daughter can't be that hott, so he says, "ya, sure."

So now there sitting at the dinner table and the chinese man calls his daughter for dinner and the traveler sees her and she is amazing. After dinner they all retire to their rooms and the traveler is like I'll go into her room and we can 'mess around' and I'll sneak back to my room before the old man wakes up.

So the traveler does and they 'get to know each other' and a couple of hours before the sun comes up he goes back to his room to get some sleep.

He wakes up with a big boulder on his chest with a sign pinned to it saying "Chinese torture #1- Big boulder on chest." So the traveler gets up and throws the boulder out the window.

On the window he notices a note saying, "Chinese torture #2- Left nut tied to boulder." So the traveler thinks a couple of broken limbs aren't as bad as losing a testicle, so he jumps out of the window.

On the way down he sees a sign on a tree branch saying, "Chinese torture #3- Right nut tied to bedpost.

Tell me what you think of this on a scale of 1-10.

[coolex]

8-9 but it gave me chills