OT:the joke thread

[brian-250]

lets here em! ill dig up my classics later:D

there are 3 guys on a roadtrip and they need someplace to sleep so they pull up to this farmers house and ask if they can spend the nite the farmer goes okay but he says that if they mess around with his daughter there is goin to be a punishment

so the next morning the farmers daughter says that they were messin around with her so the farmer calls the guys outside and tells each of them to go out in the field and pick their favorite fruit
the first guy comes back with grapes so the farmer shove them up his arse
the second guy comes back with a orange so the farmer shoves it up his arse
the 2 guys start laughin and the farmer asks them what is so funny and the guys go our friend is coming back with a watermelon

[brian-250]

warning i didnt edit these tey came staight from a file,enjoy!

a guy walks into a bar and says i got my first bj today and order a round for the whole bar and then proposed a toast and said "if this wont get the taste out of my mouth notin will"!(if you have to ask what BJ means yer to young to know!!!!!!!)



A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"


One day, a cattle farmer heard one of his cows lowing out in the mud pit behind the barn. It sounded like she was in hard labor. He went out, and, sure enough, it was a breech. He tried to turn the calf around, but it was too late -- the legs were already coming out. All he could do was pull on the legs to assist in the birth.
This field was right next to the interstate, and a red corvette stopped, and a woman jumped out and said, 'Is there anything I can do to help?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, please! Grab a leg and pull!' So they both pulled, and they were able to get the calf out.

The farmer, very grateful, said, 'Wait a minute while I run back and get my wallet -- I owe you for this.'

'Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of accepting any recompense for this service. However, there is one question you can answer for me.'

'Anything!', the farmer said.

'How fast was the little one going when it ran into the big one?'





Matt and Mike went shopping for cows. When they each had found the cow they wanted, they were in a quandary. 'How will we tell which cow is yours and which is mine?' asked Matt.
'You crop your cow's ears, and I'll leave mine as they are!' answered Mike.

'No! That would hurt your cow!' said Matt, 'I'll cut my cow's tail, and you keep your cow's tail long.'

'No, no!' shouted Mike,' cows need their tails long for swatting flies!'

'I know!' exclaimed Matt, 'Branding! I'll put a big 'X' on the rear of my cow, and you put a big 'Y' on the front of your cow.'

'No, no, no! My cow is too beautiful to mark up like that!' yelled Mike.

'I've got it!' Matt said. 'You take the black one, I'll take the white one!'




A farmer in upstate new york was sitting on his fence along side the road when a big cadilac stopped aman got out and walked up to the farmer and said nice place you got how big is it the farmer said ya see that there stone wall up there. the man answered yes i do. the farmersaid do you ya see that wood line down there . another yes farmer says Iown all the land between them the man said i'm from texas my spraed is so big ican drive my pick up truck all day and nevar leave the ranch the farmer looked the man straight in the eyes and said i had a truck like thst once but i got rid of that peice of junk fast!!!!





Have you heard about the city farmer who bought a farm 2 inches wide by 50 miles long?
He said he was going to grow spaghetti!

The First Grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still
not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells
her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
Rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
Uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT
&*%$## TRACTOR!!'



husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
Farmer Brown, from Nebraska, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because Farmer Brown knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bulls rectum and blow and when the eyes uncross, yell stop!!" The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed.

Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross. He says to himself "I better call the vet. No, wait a moment. Last time I called the vet he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

He went to the barn and called his trusty farmhand, Luke. "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened. Finally he said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch." Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it over and reinserted it. "What the hell are you doing, Luke?" "Hey, boss, I'm not stupid. I'm not blowing on the same end that you did!!!!"

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself mister," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

[brian-250]

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go huntin'?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"


It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

There was a Texas rancher visiting his cousin, a Nebraska dirt farmer the other day. The Texas producer was asking his cousin about the size of his fields and the size of his farm.
The Texan went on to say, "I can get in my pickup in the morning and ride all day and not see my whole farm."

The Nebraska cousin replied, "Yeah, I had a pickup like that once, but I traded it for a brand new one."

Two city boys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind.

It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen a goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

farm boy walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The boy says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the farm boy walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the boy leaves.

Next day, the farm boy walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The boy leaves.

The next day, the farm boy walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No!" says the clerk. "Good!" says the farm boy, "Got any duck feed?"
This city slicker was driving out through the country one day and missed his turnoff. He saw a small drive and decided to turn around.
Misjudging the drive and not familiar with soft shouldered country roads the fellow found his Cadillac sliding into the ditch. Well it wasn't too long till a farmer came along on a tractor and saw the car in the ditch and stopped to help.

As the farmer was taking a tow chain out of the tool box the city slicker walked up and asked the farmer, "What are you doing? You can't hook that dirty old tractor to my $35,000 Cadillac!"

The farmer scratched his head a few seconds, put the chain away and said, "Your right, I can't hook my $45,000 tractor onto your $35,000 cadillac!" and the farmer drove away.
A bunch of guys decided one morning that they would go deer hunting. So they all piled into the station wagon with their guns and took off down the road looking for a place to go hunting.
After driving awhile they came across an old farm house with a large spread of woods behind it. One of the guys went to the door and asked the farmer if they could hunt in his woods.

When asked, the farmer said "yes, but would you do me a favor? The ol' cow in the barn yard is on her last legs and I know she is sufferin', would you kindly put her down for me, I don' have the heart to."

As the hunter walked back to the station wagon, he decided to play a prank on his fellow hunters. So when he got back to the station wagon he pulled out his rifle and shouted "..I'll teach that son of a gun for not letting us hunt on his property!" and shot the old cow. After he fired the shot, he heard another shot and one of the other hunters proclaim, " Yeah, we showed him... I got the horse, too!"
A farmer is giving his wife last minute instructions before heading to town to do some chores.
"That fella from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'inseminator' arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.
The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow: $ 499.95
Shipping and handling: $ 35.75
Extra stomachs: $ 79.25
Two tone exterior: $ 142.10
Produce storage compartment: $ 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper: $ 189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system: $ 149.20
Automatic fly swatter: $ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery: $ 179.90
Deluxe dual horns: $ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $ 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly: $ 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb: $ 69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $ 2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments: $ 300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $ 3143.36

Th

[brian-250]

last one


the farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the you livestock feed salesman was traveling through a very remote rural area and his car broke down. Getting out, the man walked down the dirt road and eventually came to a farmhouse. Walking up into the yard, the salesman saw an old farmer sitting on the porch. Sitting beside him was a pig with two wooden peg legs. The farmer allowed the salesman to use the telephone and call a tow truck.
Once he had, the salesman and the farmer moved back out onto the porch and began talking. The salesman commented to the farmer, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice that your pig has two wooden peg legs."

"That there is an incredible pig, young man. One night, there was a fox in the hen house and the incredible pig charged up on this here porch and banged on the door until I woke up and heard the commotion. Saved me alot of chickens, he did."

"Wow," the salesman said, "that is an incredible pig".

"Oh, that ain't all he's done" replied the farmer. "Another time, the incrdible pig saved me and my wife's lives. Our kitchen had caught fire and the incredible pig kept charging the door until he broke in. He raced upstairs and woke us up. I was able to put out the fire. Yep, that pig saved us, he did".

The salesman was amazed. "Sir, you are right. That is truely incredible pig. If you don't mind my asking, what happened to his legs?"

"Son," replied the farmer, "you just don't eat an incredible pig like this one all a once."
couple got married and after the reception they were heading off to the farm in the horse and cart.
Along the way, the horse stopped to have a nibble of grass off the side of the road.

The farmer got out of the cart and grabbed the bridle, looked the horse in the eyes and said "That's once".

He then hopped back onto the cart and proceeded down the road once again. About a mile or so later, the horse stopped again and started eating the grass. The farmer grabbed his rifle, hopped off the wagon, and shot the horse dead.

His new bride was horrified, and screamed at him, "What the hell did you do that for."

The farmer said: "That's once"
There was a young man who was hitchhiking through one of the Southern states. A farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they rode along, they got to talking about the local moonshine whiskey. The young man said he didn't drink very much and moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.
"Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad. "Take a drink!"

"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don't think I care for any."

"No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some."

"No, thanks - really," said the young man.

The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, "I said, take a drink!"

"Okay! Okay!" said the young man. "I've changed my mind! I guess I will have some after all." The young man took a few swallows before he realized how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

"What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good, ain't it?"

"Yeah," gasped the lad, "I guess so."

Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink!
ng farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole:D :D

[Fast250EX]

This is from memory so bear with me.

A young lady walks into a car dealership and saw the most beautiful, fully loaded Lexus. She immediately rushed over to it and as she touched it, she released flatulence. Alarmed by this, she looked around hoping no one had heard but the salesman was standing right behind her.

She then acted as though nothing had happened and said, "Hi, I was just admiring this beautiful machine, precisely how much is it?"

The salesman looked back and smiled, " I am sorry mam, but if you farted just touching it, you'll sh*t when you hear the price.":D

[Fast250EX]

Another one from memory.

Bob went to sign up for some classes at college. When he entered a room in the college, he asked what classes were available.

"Well," said the man," You can take Math, History, Science, or Logic."

Bob looked at the man and said,"What's Logic?"

"Well, I'll put it this was, do you have a weed eater?"

"Yessir."

"Well, if you jave a weed eater I suppose you have a yard, then, correct?"

"Yup."

"If you have a yard, you probably have a house, then."

"That's right."

"If you have a house, then you also have a wife."

"That is correct."

"And if you have a wife, you're probably not a homosexual, then."

"That's correct."

"You see, that is logic."

So the next day, Bob goes and talks to his buddy about his classes.

"I'm taking Math, History, Science, and Logic."

"Well, what's logic?"

"Let me put it this way, do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then your a homosexual."

[Disaster]

Originally posted by brian-250
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go huntin'?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"


It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

There was a Texas rancher visiting his cousin, a Nebraska dirt farmer the other day. The Texas producer was asking his cousin about the size of his fields and the size of his farm.
The Texan went on to say, "I can get in my pickup in the morning and ride all day and not see my whole farm."

The Nebraska cousin replied, "Yeah, I had a pickup like that once, but I traded it for a brand new one."

Two city boys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind.

It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen a goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

farm boy walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The boy says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the farm boy walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the boy leaves.

Next day, the farm boy walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The boy leaves.

The next day, the farm boy walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No!" says the clerk. "Good!" says the farm boy, "Got any duck feed?"
This city slicker was driving out through the country one day and missed his turnoff. He saw a small drive and decided to turn around.
Misjudging the drive and not familiar with soft shouldered country roads the fellow found his Cadillac sliding into the ditch. Well it wasn't too long till a farmer came along on a tractor and saw the car in the ditch and stopped to help.

As the farmer was taking a tow chain out of the tool box the city slicker walked up and asked the farmer, "What are you doing? You can't hook that dirty old tractor to my $35,000 Cadillac!"

The farmer scratched his head a few seconds, put the chain away and said, "Your right, I can't hook my $45,000 tractor onto your $35,000 cadillac!" and the farmer drove away.
A bunch of guys decided one morning that they would go deer hunting. So they all piled into the station wagon with their guns and took off down the road looking for a place to go hunting.
After driving awhile they came across an old farm house with a large spread of woods behind it. One of the guys went to the door and asked the farmer if they could hunt in his woods.

When asked, the farmer said "yes, but would you do me a favor? The ol' cow in the barn yard is on her last legs and I know she is sufferin', would you kindly put her down for me, I don' have the heart to."

As the hunter walked back to the station wagon, he decided to play a prank on his fellow hunters. So when he got back to the station wagon he pulled out his rifle and shouted "..I'll teach that son of a gun for not letting us hunt on his property!" and shot the old cow. After he fired the shot, he heard another shot and one of the other hunters proclaim, " Yeah, we showed him... I got the horse, too!"
A farmer is giving his wife last minute instructions before heading to town to do some chores.
"That fella from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'inseminator' arrives and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.
The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow: $ 499.95
Shipping and handling: $ 35.75
Extra stomachs: $ 79.25
Two tone exterior: $ 142.10
Produce storage compartment: $ 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper: $ 189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system: $ 149.20
Automatic fly swatter: $ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery: $ 179.90
Deluxe dual horns: $ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $ 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly: $ 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb: $ 69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $ 2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments: $ 300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $ 3143.36

Th



LOL good ones....:D

[crday98]

three guys walk into a bar... the fourth one ducked
a guy dies and goes to hell.once there the devil greets him and tells him he has to pick one of three rooms to spend his eternity in.he walks him to the first room and opens the door to find people standing in a room up to their necks in sh*t.the guy says screw that and asked to see the other two rooms.the devil walks him to the 2nd room and opens the door to find people standing on their heads.the devil told him if he were to chose this room he must stand on his head for eternity.the guy says screw than and asks to see the third room.the devil walks him to the third room and opens the door and the guy sees a room full of people partying and having a blast with music playing and all but notices there was a foot deep pile of sh*t on the floor.the guy thought to himself for a minute "it is better than standing on my head for eternity or being up to my neck in sh*t.at least i'll be able to party for eternity" so he choses the third room. he walks in the room and the devil closes the door. after about 10 minutes after the guy chose the room, the devil opens the door turns off the radio and yells" alright your break is over,get back on your heads"

[redrunner]

A mother goes to see her daughter at home, knocks on the door and her daughter opens it buck naked. The mother exclaims what in the world are you doing! She says "this is my wedding dress, I thought you were my husband and he loves when I wear my wedding dress"
After their visit the mother thinks on the way home maybe that is a good idea, so sure enough her husband comes home and there she is buck naked when he opens the door and he says" What in the world are you doing" she says "well this is my wedding dress and I thought you would like it" he says " well at least you could have ironed it before you put it on!":D

[blondie69]

Originally posted by 250ex3
there are 3 guys on a roadtrip and they need someplace to sleep so they pull up to this farmers house and ask if they can spend the nite the farmer goes okay but he says that if they mess around with his daughter there is goin to be a punishment

so the next morning the farmers daughter says that they were messin around with her so the farmer calls the guys outside and tells each of them to go out in the field and pick their favorite fruit
the first guy comes back with grapes so the farmer shove them up his arse
the second guy comes back with a orange so the farmer shoves it up his arse
the 2 guys start laughin and the farmer asks them what is so funny and the guys go our friend is coming back with a watermelon

Doesn't that one go something like at the part where they pick the fruits
the 1st guy comes back w/ a grape. the farmer says "if u laff or scream, i'll kill you" so he shoves it up his arse, no expression, so he's free to go.
the 2nd guy comes back with an orange. the farmer says "if u laff or scream, i'll kill you" so he bursts out laffing before the farmer even shoves it up his arse. the farmer ask's what is so funny, and the guy says that his friend is coming back with a watermelon

:blah:

either way, it's still an kick *** joke:macho

yea i think so it was from memory and yes its still a kick arse joke:)

[ledofthezep]

How do you know when an Ethiopian lady is pregnant???





























When she pulls out her tampon & it's half eaten!:blah:

[WEEZIL]

What did the one fat chick say to the other fat chick?





























































Who The hell cares.. they are FAT

[markeg192]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,
"Slim, I'm 73years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I now you're
about my age.
How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I just wet my pants