Some funnies...

[LTandRaptorider]

Forrest Gump's Mom was Wrong

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Life is like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today
May burn your *** tomorrow.

~*~*~*~*~

Tracking Cows

Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing
that our government can track a cow born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to where she sleeps
in the state of Washington. Also, they track her
calves to where they sleep; BUT they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
the United States!!

~*~*~*~*~

Supersex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in
a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the
hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

~*~*~*~*~

Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is boil the
chicken in water, then dump the stock.

~*~*~*~*~

Why?

How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue..
and then you add eggs and sugar...
and you get cake?



Where did the glue go?

Need an answer?



You know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake...
Stick to your BUTT

Another one...Jim and Edna>
> >
> > Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
> One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
>Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
>and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
>bottom and pulled Jim out.
> >
> > When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
> > immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now
> > considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the
>news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
>you're
>being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
>jumpi! ng in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that
>your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
>saved,
>hung himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the
>bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead.
> >
> > Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.
> >





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[TRX250X]

LMAO The old man probably made the right decision there.

[exriderdude]

cool, lol:cool:

['03'300ex'er]

got some good ones there:cool:

[SadisticShee]

LOL:)

[bigfoot300ex]

thats so funny stuff man

[LTandRaptorider]

Originally posted by bigfoot300ex
thats so funny stuff man

I thought I should put some funny stuff on after making the downer thread, Sad songs... :o :cool:

i like the 3rd one. took me a minute to understand it

[SGA]

A man goes into the drugstore and goes back to the pharmacist. May I help you?
The man says yes, I need some strichnyne.
The pharmacist says, do you have a prescription?
The man says no I dont.
The pharmacist says, then I cant sell you any, you must have a prescription for it.
The man says, "But you dont understand, I want to kill my wife".
The pharmist says kill your wife?
The man says, Shes mean, hits on me all the time, is a slob, wont cook, bit*hes at me all the time, and to top it off, shes ugly as hell!
The pharmacist says, im sorry about that, but with out a prescription, I just cant sell you any.
The disappointed man says darn, I dont know what im going to do, I just cant stand the witch anymore.
The man reachs in his pocket, pulls out a picture, and hands it to to the pharmacist. "Look, heres a picture of her".
The pharmacist looks at the pic, does a big double take and says " Oh, I see you found your prescription!"

[LTandRaptorider]

LMFAO!!! :D :D :D

That was just what the doctor ordered this morning! ;)

I believe I have one of those Rxs lying around somewhere... :devil:

[Disaster]

Nice ....lol...

[dirtmomma]

LMAO those are all good ones :D BOY isn't that true about the cows & illegal aliens LOL
I'm glad to see you mad a HAPPY post ;) ;)

[LTandRaptorider]

Originally posted by dirtmomma
LMAO those are all good ones :D BOY isn't that true about the cows & illegal aliens LOL
I'm glad to see you mad a HAPPY post ;) ;)

Yep! I think I'll just stick to reading posts fro a while... :p

[TheChknhwk]

Funnies follow-up.... Author unknown:

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE

ONE - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So, I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO - The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE - Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
"What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT - Police in Radnor,Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[dirtmomma]

ROFLMGDAO!!!!!!!! Those are some good ones Chknhwk yep makes ya wonder :D

[SGA]

Those were good! The woman and the car keys, sheesh.