View Full Version : Something to offend everyone "Jokes"
Foxyangel0425
11-03-2003, 09:37 AM
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife,
"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in
the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got
his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would
put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was
sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she
came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her
friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in
the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with
him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."
FourFiftyFour
11-03-2003, 09:42 AM
hahahahahaha thanks for givin me a laugh!
QuadJunkies
11-03-2003, 10:23 AM
Originally posted by Foxyangel0425
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife,
"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in
the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got
his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would
put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was
sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she
came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her
friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in
the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with
him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check." well its about time we got our joke of the day!!! JP, that was good!! LOL:p
cody anderson
11-03-2003, 10:25 AM
HAHAHA... WAIT..... YEAH.... HAHAHAHA
JTRtrx250r
11-03-2003, 10:29 AM
:D
Foxyangel0425
11-03-2003, 05:12 PM
Originally posted by QuadJunkies
well its about time we got our joke of the day!!! JP, that was good!! LOL:p
Sorry, i just haven't gotten any good ones at work anymore.....well correction i have but i can't post them cause they have pics and i don't know how to post pics. :(
batgeek
11-03-2003, 05:33 PM
money hungry bish....couldn't even fulfil her husbands last wish.
nice.
NTPRacing#19
11-03-2003, 05:39 PM
so this guy walks into a tattoo parlor and hes holding a 100 dollar bill in his hand he asks the tattoo guy to tattoo this 100 dollar bill onto his dink. the tattoo guy looks at him with a very weird look and says '' now i have done some very weird tattoos before but may i ask why a 100 dollar bill on your dink?!" the guy replies "well i like to hold my money, play with my money, and if my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks i give it to her."
TGW_400ex
11-03-2003, 05:44 PM
Originally posted by NTPRacing#19
so this guy walks into a tattoo parlor and hes holding a 100 dollar bill in his hand he asks the tattoo guy to tattoo this 100 dollar bill onto his dink. the tattoo guy looks at him with a very weird look and says '' now i have done some very weird tattoos before but may i ask why a 100 dollar bill on your dink?!" the guy replies "well i like to hold my money, play with my money, and if my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks i give it to her."
GOOD ONE:devil:
CEET400ex
11-03-2003, 05:44 PM
(( NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE))
These 2 gay guys were caught screwing in a country where in this country if you were caught screwing you automatically had to leave the country.Which one left first???.......................................... .................................................. .................the one on bottom....he already had his **** packed......roflmao
hessianmx111
11-03-2003, 05:47 PM
both good i have already heard them though, i got some good ones but not really fit for these boards :eek:
Giz400ex
11-03-2003, 06:48 PM
:D :D :D :D
cool 300ex
11-03-2003, 06:53 PM
Good ones i never heard them befor.
400exr
11-03-2003, 07:28 PM
I got one...One day a farmer went to the market and bought himself a new rooster, before he left for home the salesman told him to be carefull cause this rooster would screw anything. Well sure enough when the farmer got home, his new rooster went to work, he did all the chickens till they died, and anything else with a hartbeat. Well the farmer saw this and ran out to the rooster, and said "boy if you don't slow down your going to kill yourself!". Well the next day the farmer brought home some more chickens to replace the dead ones. When the rooster saw this he went right back at it till he droped. The farmer, looking out of his window, saw the rooster on the ground with buzzards hovering overhead, so he went out and up to the dead rooster "Well didn't I tell you you where going to screw yourself to death, and look at you now" Then suddenly the rooster put his wing up to his beak and said " ssssshhhhhhh, I think they're coming down!" :devil:
310Rduner
11-03-2003, 08:02 PM
Originally posted by 400exr
I got one...One day a farmer went to the market and bought himself a new rooster, before he left for home the salesman told him to be carefull cause this rooster would screw anything. Well sure enough when the farmer got home, his new rooster went to work, he did all the chickens till they died, and anything else with a hartbeat. Well the farmer saw this and ran out to the rooster, and said "boy if you don't slow down your going to kill yourself!". Well the next day the farmer brought home some more chickens to replace the dead ones. When the rooster saw this he went right back at it till he droped. The farmer, looking out of his window, saw the rooster on the ground with buzzards hovering overhead, so he went out and up to the dead rooster "Well didn't I tell you you where going to screw yourself to death, and look at you now" Then suddenly the rooster put his wing up to his beak and said " ssssshhhhhhh, I think they're coming down!" :devil:
Lmfao.. I'll be telling my friends that one, along with the other ones.
Foxyangel0425
11-03-2003, 09:55 PM
Originally posted by batgeek
money hungry bish....couldn't even fulfil her husbands last wish.
nice.
http://216.40.249.192/s/ups/conman/thumbsdown.gif
its a joke!!!!!
RoadkillerRyan
11-03-2003, 09:59 PM
nice jokes
i got none but i wanna hear some more
<----- 400posts baby
Juggalo
11-03-2003, 10:23 PM
what did the guy with leprosey say to the hooker?
keep the tip!
QuadJunkies
11-03-2003, 11:53 PM
Originally posted by Foxyangel0425
http://216.40.249.192/s/ups/conman/thumbsdown.gif
its a joke!!!!! LMAO!!!!!! hopefully she wanst stupid enough to wait for the check to clear first...:eek2: LOL!!!!!!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
> The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
> Because it's worth it.
>
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
> One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE - PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
> A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
> Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> 45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
> None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
> Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who hasthe biggest boobs?
> The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
> Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> Are you sure it's mine?"
]
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
> Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
> Everyone has the same DNA.
>
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi
> He walks around saying "Yo."
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE - PART III (Just Great Stuff)
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
> "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
> A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
> They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
> A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
> begins
> "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
My, my, how times have changed.Years ago...When 100 white menchased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the
PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Sportrax10
11-04-2003, 04:54 AM
LOL
Stevie-D
11-04-2003, 05:31 AM
what did the guy with leprosey say to the hooker?
keep the tip!
thats freakin disgusting! lmao!!!!!:huh :devil:
JTRtrx250r
11-04-2003, 05:36 AM
Haha:D those are great
spincr4hire
11-04-2003, 06:09 AM
good stuff:p
tclapp
11-04-2003, 06:50 AM
LOL:D
hondafox440
11-04-2003, 08:31 AM
LMFAO! :D
Why didnt the Steelers make the Super Bowl?
Cuz the browns beat them;)
Originally posted by Curt
Why didnt the Steelers make the Super Bowl?
Cuz the browns beat them;)
When the browns GO to the superbowl, then and only then can they make jokes involving the superbowl... I think we all know that wont happen.
:devil:
Alls i have to say is
Cowboys;)
danney f
11-04-2003, 09:55 AM
Originally posted by Juggalo
what did the guy with leprosey say to the hooker?
keep the tip!
O' my god, my sides are hurting.:D
bradley300
11-04-2003, 10:01 AM
popo, those are great, i'm printing them and takin them to work.
lmgdao!
zephead400ex
11-04-2003, 10:29 AM
LMGDAO!
hessianmx111
11-04-2003, 12:16 PM
alright heres one-The lone ranger and tanto were riding through the fields on horses one day and all of a sudden tanto gets off his horse and puts his face to the ground, he then says "buffalo come", puzzled the lone ranger asks how he knows, and tanto lifts his face from the ground points to his cheek and says "sticky face":D
AtvMxRider
11-04-2003, 02:08 PM
Originally posted by zephead400ex
LMGDAO!
danney f
11-04-2003, 02:55 PM
That reminds me of one.
The Lone Ranger and Tanto had been ridding for days without out much rest, when they came upon a saloon. The horses were hot and exhausted. The Lone Ranger tells Tanto to create a breeze for the horses by running around them in a circle while he goes in to get them some drinks. So Tanto starts running around the horses in a circle. While the Lone Ranger is in the saloon buying drinks, a man walks in and asks him "Are those your horses out front?" The Lone Ranger replies "Yes they are. Is there a problem?"
The man replies back "O' no problem, you just left your engine running" :D
Glow Plug
11-04-2003, 03:01 PM
alright this one is for the married guys :devil:
So this father and son were in the drug store looking at the personal hygen(sp?) isle when the son asks
"Dad why are there diffrent packages of condoms like a 3 pack 6 pack and 12 pack."
" Well son the 3 pack is for when your in high school one for friday, one for satuday and one for sunday. The six pack is for when your in college 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday. The twelve pack is for when your married one for January, one for Febuary..... "
Glow Plug
11-04-2003, 03:07 PM
lmfao those are awsome
danney f
11-04-2003, 03:10 PM
A little boy walks in on his dad and mom, right in the middle of his dad putting on a rubber. The boy asked his dad "what are you doing?"
The dad struggles to think of something quick and replies "Your mom saw a mouse and I'm going to catch it"
His son replies back "Gee dad, what are you going to do, F@#$ it?":devil:
Glow Plug
11-04-2003, 03:31 PM
hahaha.... Looks like I won't be saving to much money when I'm older :o
310Rduner
11-04-2003, 04:34 PM
Lmfao.
Sum Ting Wong..:D
D11NR
11-04-2003, 05:28 PM
LMAO
Mace will do that to you:D :D :D
hessianmx111
11-04-2003, 06:23 PM
Originally posted by danney f
A little boy walks in on his dad and mom, right in the middle of his dad putting on a rubber. The boy asked his dad "what are you doing?"
The dad struggles to think of something quick and replies "Your mom saw a mouse and I'm going to catch it"
His son replies back "Gee dad, what are you going to do, F@#$ it?":devil:
lmao both yours and glow plugs had me lmao
NTPRacing#19
11-04-2003, 06:29 PM
what did the guy with leprosey say to the hooker?
keep the tip! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<< that one is hilarious
MX_Racer_20
11-04-2003, 07:28 PM
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
jasoncarr25
11-04-2003, 07:32 PM
THAT IS FUNNY BUT SICK
CowsBitePeople
11-04-2003, 07:35 PM
LMFAO!!:p
Originally posted by QuadJunkies
LMAO!!!!!! hopefully she wanst stupid enough to wait for the check to clear first...:eek2: LOL!!!!!!
:D :D
danney f
11-06-2003, 12:26 AM
#1 A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get out!"
#2 Before And After Marriage
Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating
Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football
Before - Is that all you're having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before - It's like I'm living in a dream
After - It's like he lives in a dorm
Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem
Before - Turbocharged
After - Jumpstart
Before - We agree on everything
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl
Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat
Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhere
Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant
Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Before - Once upon a time
After - The end
#3 A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
#4 There were three guys talking in the bar. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
#5 Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
#6 Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed."
His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice woman and get married?"
As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married
#7 Bad Resume Lines
Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs.
Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit
a job.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
KASCHAK
11-06-2003, 03:43 PM
lol very good. but that last one got me confused??
KASCHAK
11-06-2003, 03:48 PM
i get it now lol
4barrel
11-07-2003, 07:12 PM
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
nothing...you done told her twice!
QuadJunkies
11-08-2003, 12:17 AM
Originally posted by 4barrel
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
nothing...you done told her twice! :eek: :eek2:
GrInDeR400ex
11-08-2003, 01:09 PM
lmao that was good:D
4barrel
11-08-2003, 01:44 PM
how does a man open his beer?
he dont! with the distance from the kitchen back to the living room, she should have it open then.
TGW_400ex
11-08-2003, 03:15 PM
Originally posted by 4barrel
how does a man open his beer?
he dont! with the distance from the kitchen back to the living room, she should have it open then.
IVE NEVER SEEN A YELLOW 300EX POST A PIC!
4barrel
11-08-2003, 03:59 PM
im not sure how to.
what is your email address and ill send them to you.
TGW_400ex
11-08-2003, 04:35 PM
Originally posted by 4barrel
im not sure how to.
what is your email address and ill send them to you.
wells@adelphia.net
4barrel
11-08-2003, 04:45 PM
how many university of kentucky freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
none...thats a junior class.:D
TGW_400ex
11-09-2003, 09:36 AM
wow a yellow 300ex thanx man
Why do (Insert name) have 2 more brain cells than horses?
So they wont sh*t in parades!:blah:
4barrel
11-09-2003, 11:29 AM
why do women have smaller feet than men?
evolutionary thing...that way they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!
NTPRacing#19
11-09-2003, 02:42 PM
what do you get when you cross a cabage patch kid and the pillsbury doughboy???
a rich bich with a yeast infection
310Rduner
11-09-2003, 03:17 PM
Originally posted by NTPRacing#19
what do you get when you cross a cabage patch kid and the pillsbury doughboy???
a rich bich with a yeast infection
hahah, thats a good one man:p
KASCHAK
11-09-2003, 04:45 PM
lol keep em' comming....:blah:
4barrel
11-09-2003, 09:49 PM
what do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?
a whopper with cheese
crday98
11-14-2003, 07:38 AM
what do 1000 battered women have in common?
none of them will do what they're told the first time!
ladies,don't get offended.it is only a joke.
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