anywhereEx
05-22-2003, 01:50 PM
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
12) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
13) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
14) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!" --A. Whitney Brown
15) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
16) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
17) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased.
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
12) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
13) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
14) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!" --A. Whitney Brown
15) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
16) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
17) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased.