Funny Jokes

[250ex_dan]

Saw this funny joke on a website.
This is not my own.EnjoyLOL
Post any joke u have


A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

[HondaPohl]

I like that one.

[250ex_dan]

spent an hour looking up jokes.My day has been rainy and col and muddy.Pretty boring but i did something good.LOL
here u go.
i asked if there are too many Illegal Aliens in the U.S. , 17% Said Yes, 22% Said No, The Other 61% said, "I no speaka English."

You're hot, wet, extremely satisfying. You always put a smile on my face and you're the first thing I want in my mouth when I wake up. Ahhhh COFFEE!!

How come when your wife is pregnant all their female friends rub their tummy and say congratulations but no one rubs your balls and says good job?



Similarities of BRA & BAR, Both have same letters, Both are drinking zones, Both have restricted time of opening & closing, when both are opened men go crazy.
hands are so overrated..I think I'll use my mouth ;)

I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? Peanut Butter
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHOMG!!!!^^^^^^^^

A husband and wife are watching TV. The husband says "I can't decide between golf and porn." The wife says "Choose porn, you already know how to golf."
Thats a total DISS!!!

What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and squishy?
What?! It's bubble gum. Jeez, what were you thinking?
Not that great^^^but okay

Hope i dnt get introuble LOL

[finsteratv]

hahahaha

[honda400ex2003]

pretty good!

I mostly find engineer jokes and stuff like that. haha

You might be an engineer if:
You forget to get a haircut ... for 6 months
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You've actually used every single function on your calculator
It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer
You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
You always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin
You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again


To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

(1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.


Nerdy pick up lines:
Baby, you overclock my processor
Baby, let me find your nth term
Baby I’ll treat you like my homework — I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long
What’s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you’re the 1
You know.. it’s not the length of the vector that counts… it’s how you apply the force
You have nicer legs than an Isosceles right triangle

How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.
How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.


How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"


An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

Engineers are the BEST boyfriends
ALL these ARE facts .. so.. here goes..

Advantage 1: Secure lifestyle.
An engineer boyfriend can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job that gives him a high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too.
Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in a law firm, most management graduates have just failed on their first business plan, the arts graduate is still looking for a job, and the medical school graduate is still living in a hospital. ''-

Advantage 2: Unmatchable industriousness.
An engineer boyfriend will dedicate an unimaginable amount of his time and effort to understand you. Engineers strain really really hard to understand their work. You can believe that they will try really really hard to understand women too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are the one. So even if they don't understand you initially, they will keep on trying. Even if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. buy diamond ring = 1 week's worth of happiness=dh/dt.) And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear.
Unlike the Lawyer who will argue with you, the Management graduate who will try to control your spending, the Arts graduate who will 'change major', and the medical school graduate who will operate on you. And you know what, it's really so easy to make engineers believe that you are the 'one'. Say that you like one of their projects and they will be hooked to you forever.-

Advantage 3: An engineer boyfriend will never betray your trust.
Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others - the lawyers will lie about everything, management graduates will cheat your money, the arts graduate will flirt, and you probably just look like another cadaver to the medical school graduate.
Your engineer boyfriend is either too busy to have an affair, and even if he does, he is too dumb to lie to you about that.

Hence, an engineer is the most secure boyfriend that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to understand and please you, has no time for affairs, and too dumb to lie to you. So girls, why procrastinate? Get an engineer as your boyfriend!



not really jokes but I chuckle from them.

steve

[honda400ex2003]

I am categorized by way too many of these.

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR IF...

If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
If you enjoy pain.
If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how
to do long division.
If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
If you've actually used every single function on your
graphing calculator.
If when you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.
If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are
working on a computer.
If you always do homework on Friday nights.
If you think in "math."
If you've calculated that the World Series actually
diverges.
If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
If you can translate English into Binary.
If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle
of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in
the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
If when your professor asks you where your homework is,
you claim to have accidentally determined its
momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg
it could be anywhere in the universe.
If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from
lack of use.
If you understood more than five of these indicators.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on
your door.

If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason
to suspect that you might be classified as a engineering
major. I hope this clears up any confusion.

hahaha

steve

[beastlywarrior]

If you complement to your girlfriend that her hair is nice and parallel

[honda400ex2003]

whats really sad is i know what all of the lame terms used in those are lol

steve

[250x_kyle]

Originally posted by honda400ex2003
whats really sad is i know what all of the lame terms used in those are lol

steve

picked up a few pre mechanical classes when i was in school thinking about going back. most of those are lame but funny.

A woman had just given birth to her twelfth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Joe"

"But you named the last eleven Joe"

"Yeah its great. I say Joe go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Joe come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

[honda400ex2003]

LOL

yeah the engineering ones are pretty lame but one day they will come in handy. they have a few times already for certain occasions. breaks the ice a bit with a stupid joke sometimes.

steve

[250ex_dan]

Originally posted by 250x_kyle

ddint see that comingLOL




picked up a few pre mechanical classes when i was in school thinking about going back. most of those are lame but funny.

A woman had just given birth to her twelfth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Joe"

"But you named the last eleven Joe"

"Yeah its great. I say Joe go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Joe come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

[Wills77]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[finsteratv]

a bear walks into a bar on a hot day..
Bear:can i have a beer
bartender: No beer for bears
Bear: give me a beer *he says in an angry tone*
bartender: no beer for bears!!!

They continue to go on and on arguing till the bear says..
bear: give me a beer or i'll eat this lady!
bartender: no beer for bears!
bear: alright then...and the bear gobbles up the lady
bartender: no beer for bears and no drugs for anyone!
bear:..what?
bartender: that was a Barbituate (Bar-b**ch-you-ate)

drug refernece haha my health teacher told me this

[jaxes88]

I'm loving the engineering jokes, I'll even add one or two that I saw.

don't have 6 beers then do calculus, it's dangerous to drink and derive.

if a girl says she wants to see your log and you tell her "fine but what base and to what exponent"

[Tommy Warren]

Originally posted by jaxes88
I'm loving the engineering jokes, I'll even add one or two that I saw.

don't have 6 beers then do calculus, it's dangerous to drink and derive.

if a girl says she wants to see your log and you tell her "fine but what base and to what exponent"

what do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? last years hide and go seek champion

[finsteratv]

What do you call Tommy Warren coming out of the Closet? :devil:

[honda400ex2003]

all the same joke so read to the end:


you might be an engineer if:

you decide to use your spare laptop to make a fire in your apartment by first ripping a video from you tube in mp4

convert it to wmv so you can run it in windows media player to keep replaying it because quick time wont let you replay it over and over again

adjust your screen settings so it doesnt time out so you can keep watching the fireplace

decide that the 17" screen you dreaded while you carried it around at school for a year comes in very handy for some things

get on fb to talk about it on your other laptop which happens to be a 17" that you carry back and forth to school now

then start the video and go back to doing your homework with a fireplace roaring in your apartment


oh yeah, i did it just now and made that. :D cheers to putting off homework!
steve

[beastlywarrior]

Originally posted by finsteratv
What do you call Tommy Warren coming out of the Closet? :devil: A canadian?

[#101]

My wife bothered me one day while i was watching tv by saying "whats on the television?". I replied "dust"

[honda400ex2003]

and thats how the fight started.

lol those are some of my faves too. :D
steve

[honda400ex2003]

and thats how the fight started.

lol those are some of my faves too. :D
steve

[#101]

How many womens rights' members does it take to change a lightbulb?









Trick question, womens rights members cant change anything.

[finsteratv]

Originally posted by #101
How many womens rights' members does it take to change a lightbulb?









Trick question, womens rights members cant change anything. hahaha

[Sweaney]

Why do women wear white at their wedding?

So they can match the rest of the appliances.


What kind of watch do you buy a woman?

You don't. There is a clock on the stove.


Why do women have smaller feet then men?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

[link812]

^^^ Lol

[#101]

Why were shopping carts invented?




To teach women how to walk

[Sweaney]

women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out....there is nothing cool about doing 3 things WRONG at once.

[Drfat400ex]

got a few good ones here

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.



An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"


A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.

[b0rn c0nfused]

A constrution worker was on top of a 3 story building and needs a hand saw, so he yells down to a guy on the ground "Get me a hand saw" but the guy can't hear him. So he trys using hand signals, he points to his eye, then his knee, then makes a motion like he is using a hand saw. The guy on the bottom thinks for a minute, then he drops his pants and starts jerkin it. The guy on the roof freaks out and runs to the bottom yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I SAID I NEEDED THE HAND SAW!" The other man says "I knew what you was saying, I was trying to tell you I was coming".

[HondaRacing83]

that one kinda made my day^ :D

[tbrackman84]

what should a woman do when she gets back home from the "battered-women" shelter?

The dishes! if she knows whats good for her

[Tommy Warren]

Originally posted by finsteratv
What do you call Tommy Warren coming out of the Closet? :devil:

finisters man crush:eek:

[finsteratv]

Originally posted by Tommy Warren
finisters man crush:eek:
oh yes im 110% homo for you Tommy ;) :p

[Tommy Warren]

Originally posted by finsteratv
oh yes im 110% homo for you Tommy ;) :p

I don't blame you a bit....I'm a damn sweet dude. for the right price I'll send you naked pics. you can throw them in the spank bank;)

[finsteratv]

Originally posted by Tommy Warren
I don't blame you a bit....I'm a damn sweet dude. for the right price I'll send you naked pics. you can throw them in the spank bank;)
Hahahaha you just made my day...

[01boneless]

^^^ haha spank bank lolol :p

[CJM]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

[TheLane]

Originally posted by CJM
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[ngates788]

Women are like bowling balls, it always hard to find one, when u finally get one you stick it in all the holes, play with them, throw them away and they always come right back to you!!

[b0rn c0nfused]

This has to be the best joke I've heard in a long time...


A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

But if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

[smr]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.” And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?!”

[Tommy Warren]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[dxcody]

A blonde goes to work one day crying. The manager walks up and says,
"Whats the matter honey?, Why are you crying?"

The blonde replies, "Well this morning my mother.. She passed away.."

The manager, feeling bad, tells the blonde that she can have the rest of the day off if she wants, but the blonde says she thinks working will help keep her mind off of things.

About Lunch time, the blonde busts out histerically crying and the manager comes running over to her,
"What on earth is wrong now?!."

The blonde replies, "I just talked to my sister!!.... and HER MOM DIED TOO!"