Jokes

[muff]

Best Stock To Buy?

In light of yesterday's stock market I think this is probably a great idea . . .

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 5 cent deposit, you would have $107.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

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Nuclear Discussions

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know *****?"

[MOUSE]

just so yall know this wasnt me

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I left La Porte on route 94 heading toward Chicago when I decided to stop
at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into
the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next
stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations,
and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a
little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said:

"And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too
weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I am driving east?"

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say:

"Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall
answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"

[MOUSE]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an aircurrent.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means nothing to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
5. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN

[MOUSE]

8 WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the
boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with
sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male onding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up
having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

[MOUSE]

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN . . . (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass
can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PBJ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[insane250Racer]

MOUSE LMAOOO!!! the last this post is soo funnnyyy!!
i like this
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.:macho

[G.Z.Racing]

hahaha, thats some funny ish

[MOUSE]

Originally posted by insane250Racer
MOUSE LMAOOO!!! the last this post is soo funnnyyy!!
i like this
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.:macho


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