CJM
03-24-2011, 04:28 PM
I find this hilarious cause its so true lol..
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
when you buy a replacement part before assuring that the "bad" part is indeed "bad", the "bad" part won't be bad at all, but instead another more expensive, harder to replace part will be culprit to the problem.
-example- having the new waterpump at the ready for my wagoneer, i remove it to discover the water pump is in great shape, and the timing cover is corroded beyond belief. waterpump=$30 vs. timing cover=$250 (poor quality)
the part your hammering on from a safe point will hold strong until the very point that you stop wailing on it to lay, say, underneath it to see why it won't budge, where it will fall unprovoked onto you.
If your wife/girlfriend comes home with a project from the big box store and asks you to assemble it, tell her it requires some random tool that you have wanted that is exactly twice as expensive as the project she brought home. By the time she figures out whats going on, you will have some pretty nice tools and she won't bring home any more projects for you.
You can be assured that once you have drained every ounce of oil out of the engine and removed the oil filter without spilling a drop, you will drop a tool in, trip over, kick, or bump the full drain pan sending oil everywhere.
Having the ability to weld only presents the opportunity for you to get into an awkward position under your vehicle then having a large ball of slag fall onto your chest/neck.
A Hi-Lift jacks only purpose is to give the vehicle a greater distance to fall.
You will always run out of bolts when putting something together however, they're will always be miscellaneous parts left over once your done.
1. Whenever you're trying to be the most careful, the smallest part will roll/fly/drop into the darkest, least accessible corner.
2) The chances of taking the right tools under the vehicle are directly proportional to the distance your toolbox is placed.
3) The probability of removing an oil plug without coating your hand in hot oil is less than 2%.
4)You will always tell yourself to remember where you set something, then forget where you set it.
5) [For us less organized gear heads] You will never find the tool you need when you need it, and always find it after you've completed the job.
6) You can skip checking tire pressure for months on end without any problems, but as soon as you re-inflate a low tire, you will get a flat.
7) Similarly, you can hold onto that old but still useable part for emergencies for months or even years, but as soon as you throw it away, that's when you'll need it.
8) You will always drop a tool/part in the engine bay when you're trying your hardest not to.
9) When working under vehicles, dirt will always get in your eyes when it's impossible for you to remove your hands from your work.
10) Setting time limits to complete a job is equivalent to purposely enacting Murphy's Laws. [Everything takes longer than you think; Nothing is as easy as it looks; If anything can go wrong, it will.]
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
when you buy a replacement part before assuring that the "bad" part is indeed "bad", the "bad" part won't be bad at all, but instead another more expensive, harder to replace part will be culprit to the problem.
-example- having the new waterpump at the ready for my wagoneer, i remove it to discover the water pump is in great shape, and the timing cover is corroded beyond belief. waterpump=$30 vs. timing cover=$250 (poor quality)
the part your hammering on from a safe point will hold strong until the very point that you stop wailing on it to lay, say, underneath it to see why it won't budge, where it will fall unprovoked onto you.
If your wife/girlfriend comes home with a project from the big box store and asks you to assemble it, tell her it requires some random tool that you have wanted that is exactly twice as expensive as the project she brought home. By the time she figures out whats going on, you will have some pretty nice tools and she won't bring home any more projects for you.
You can be assured that once you have drained every ounce of oil out of the engine and removed the oil filter without spilling a drop, you will drop a tool in, trip over, kick, or bump the full drain pan sending oil everywhere.
Having the ability to weld only presents the opportunity for you to get into an awkward position under your vehicle then having a large ball of slag fall onto your chest/neck.
A Hi-Lift jacks only purpose is to give the vehicle a greater distance to fall.
You will always run out of bolts when putting something together however, they're will always be miscellaneous parts left over once your done.
1. Whenever you're trying to be the most careful, the smallest part will roll/fly/drop into the darkest, least accessible corner.
2) The chances of taking the right tools under the vehicle are directly proportional to the distance your toolbox is placed.
3) The probability of removing an oil plug without coating your hand in hot oil is less than 2%.
4)You will always tell yourself to remember where you set something, then forget where you set it.
5) [For us less organized gear heads] You will never find the tool you need when you need it, and always find it after you've completed the job.
6) You can skip checking tire pressure for months on end without any problems, but as soon as you re-inflate a low tire, you will get a flat.
7) Similarly, you can hold onto that old but still useable part for emergencies for months or even years, but as soon as you throw it away, that's when you'll need it.
8) You will always drop a tool/part in the engine bay when you're trying your hardest not to.
9) When working under vehicles, dirt will always get in your eyes when it's impossible for you to remove your hands from your work.
10) Setting time limits to complete a job is equivalent to purposely enacting Murphy's Laws. [Everything takes longer than you think; Nothing is as easy as it looks; If anything can go wrong, it will.]