Joke of the day...ouch!

[Pappy]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[250ex_dan]

lmfao!@#$%^&*()
that is HElla FUNNY!!!
props for that pappy!:devil:

[ngates788]

lol thats pretty funny

[HondaRacing83]

haha!lmao pappy

[Pappy]

Two good ol'boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold
beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.


After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your
wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes while thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.”

[250ex_dan]

haha!
there goes another one!:)

keep bringing the jokes pappy!

[honda400ex2003]

:D these are great! we must be getting bored again. lol steve

[Pappy]

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney,
who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers!

[honda400ex2003]

ah that is a great one! steve

[HondaRacing83]

haha

[250ex_dan]

sucks for the bookkeeper!LOL

[smr]

this is priceless...
The Best Divorce Letter, everrrr!



My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & *****ing. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.

[HondaRacing83]

haha!

[250ex_dan]

Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & *****ing. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.


freakiNhilarious!@#$^*()
it makes me laugh everyday when i look at this tread and see the jokes.
keepem coming guys.!:):devil:

[honda400ex2003]

awesome! steve

[Tommy Warren]

awesome X2! steve

[Pappy]

So I had a bad morning this morning. I was driving down the road, my cell rang so reached for it and rear ended a little Geo. I said oh man! Well a little midget fellow gets out and storms over to my truck and say "Im not HAPPY!" So I chuckled and said "Well, which one are ya?" :D

[Scro]

What does an Auburn fan do after they win the National Championship?

They turn off the Xbox.:D

[Tommy Warren]

what do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe???? fur traders:)

[99400esex]

Thread is awesome :D

[Pappy]

A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,


I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence ...he farted.


The End

[250ex_dan]

thats hilarius Pappy!
keep'em coming guys!:)

[Pappy]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, " how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh..-head. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker

[honda400ex2003]

Way to go old folks! thumbs up to them for helping out :D steve

[Pappy]

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students met on the university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

********

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

********

Understanding Engineers = Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. But I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Until then, why can't they play at night?"

*******

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

********

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*********

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*******

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

*********


Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.


Then frog then cried out, "OK, if you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.



Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!

[06typeS]

lol

[250ex_dan]

haha,they are some odd people!LOLJk

[wild250rman]

one saturday morning a father went to get his hair cut and had to take his young daughter with him to the barber shop, so he gave her a little debbie cake to keep her occupied while he was geting his hair cut. While the barber was cutting the fathers hair the little girl kept standing real close to her dad, the barber told the little girl you are gonna get hair on your twinkie and the little girl replied yea and im gonna grow boobs in a couple of years to.:eek2:

[wilkin250r]

Originally posted by Pappy
Understanding Engineers

Engineers have a keen grasp of the problem at hand.

"An engineer and an accountant were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both of them start running for their lives, when the engineer stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

The accountant says, 'What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!'

The engineer replies, 'I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!'"

[Thumpin440ex]

LMAO some good reads in here.......


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it


John :D

[Pappy]

Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction “Stow high in transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

[honda400ex2003]

as a mechanical engineering student those are freaking awesome! I may have to use some of those sometime. lol steve

[rcer450r]

Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[honda400ex2003]

gotta love women with menopause :eek2: :D :blah: steve

[rcer450r]

The doc told him that masturba*ting before sex often helped men last longer the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted. "Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago"

[honda400ex2003]

hahahahahahahahaahahahahahaha! steve

[ZeroLogic]

A dad comes home after a hard day of work and to his surprise, his son was riding a brand new mountain bike. He hops out of the truck and says "son! where did you get that bike?" The kid replies, "I brought it with my hiking money dad!" The dad in disbelief says "tell me the truth how did you get that bike!" The kid says again, "with my hiking money!" The dad says how do you get money hiking! The son replies, Well after you leave for work, mom's boss comes over and gives me 20 bucks and says take a hike!

[honda400ex2003]

:p :p :p steve

[Tommy Warren]

Joe walks into a public bathroom and sees a man with no arms standing at the urinal...the man with no arms says "oh thank god can you help me I need to take a leak really bad please help!" so joe walks up and undoes the mans fly. the man says "I need a little more help can you pull it out for me please?" so joe pulls it out for him and the man does his business. finally joes goes to put it back away for the man and sees that his wang is covered in bumps and scabs and blood and rashes. after putting it away joe asks the man "what the hell is wrong with that thing? man it looks rough!" the man pulls his arms out from under his shirt and says "I have no idea but I'm not touching it!"

[Pappy]

^ LMAO!

[ZeroLogic]

Originally posted by Tommy Warren
Joe walks into a public bathroom and sees a man with no arms standing at the urinal...the man with no arms says "oh thank god can you help me I need to take a leak really bad please help!" so joe walks up and undoes the mans fly. the man says "I need a little more help can you pull it out for me please?" so joe pulls it out for him and the man does his business. finally joes goes to put it back away for the man and sees that his wang is covered in bumps and scabs and blood and rashes. after putting it away joe asks the man "what the hell is wrong with that thing? man it looks rough!" the man pulls his arms out from under his shirt and says "I have no idea but I'm not touching it!" :blah:

[250ex_dan]

Originally posted by Tommy Warren
Joe walks into a public bathroom and sees a man with no arms standing at the urinal...the man with no arms says "oh thank god can you help me I need to take a leak really bad please help!" so joe walks up and undoes the mans fly. the man says "I need a little more help can you pull it out for me please?" so joe pulls it out for him and the man does his business. finally joes goes to put it back away for the man and sees that his wang is covered in bumps and scabs and blood and rashes. after putting it away joe asks the man "what the hell is wrong with that thing? man it looks rough!" the man pulls his arms out from under his shirt and says "I have no idea but I'm not touching it!"
LOL!@#$%^:blah:

[Pappy]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested ...

... I do something sexy to a tractor."

[250ex_dan]

... I do something sexy to a tractor." [/B][/QUOTE]
hhaaLOL
to a-ttract her!!!

[honda400ex2003]

lol

thanks for the info ^^^ I wasnt thinking about it that way to get that out of it. lol much better joke now than it was when i first read it. I was thinking about how a tractor could help a relationship then laughed. (more time alone and away ) lol steve

[Pappy]

Four brothers left home for college, and they
became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later,
they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they
were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another
city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for
Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built
in the house."

The third said, "I had
my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."

The
fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and
you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

Well,
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can
recite the
entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him.
I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church,
but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent
out her Thank You
notes.

She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so
huge I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home,
I have my
groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought
was good.
Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an
expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all of
my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll
never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to
give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was
delicious. Thank
you."

Luv
Ya,
MAMA

[Pappy]

Whats the diffrents between beer nuts and deer nut? Beer nuts are a 1.50 and deer nut are under a buck

[Tommy Warren]

Why did the redneck school cancel sex ed?


they needed the car for drivers ed....

[Pappy]

It’s football season for sure now !!!


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'



His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'



The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally pooped in the bed.

The wife asks, 'What on earth was that?'

The old man replies, 'Half time. Switch sides'

[Brad77]

^Hahaha omg thats gross^

A middle age wife is feeling depressed looking in the mirror and tells her husband. I don't feel attractive anymore. I look fat and my hair doesn't look as good as it used to. She says, you used to pay me compliments which made me feel better about myself.
The husband says, well your eyesight is still perfect.

[Pappy]

Two old country boys were hunting one day when they came up to a big ol hole. The peered into the hole but could see its bottom. The ol boys looked around and found an hickory nut they droped it into the hole and watched as it disappeard and never heard it hit bottom. They then found a basket ball sized rock and tossed it in , same results . finally after looking around they found an old railroad tie. they drug it up to the edge and kicked it in as they were waiting to see if they could hear it hit bottom all of a sudden a billy goat came running flat out and zoomed into that hole. The two ol boys stood scrathing there heads over that goat running down into that hole when ol farmer johnson showed up. He asked the 2 boys have you seen a goat? so the boys explained about a goat that had ran by and disappeared into that pit. Ol farmer johnson replied naaah boys couldnt have been my goat, My goat was tied to a railroad tie.

[honda400ex2003]

LOL thats pretty good! steve

[Pappy]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.


The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

[becci4]

Reading this thread just made my friday a lot better lol:bandit:

[bimcgo1]

AMISH SEX

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, ' My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, ' Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, ' My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, ' Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.'



He did and warmed his hands.


The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, ' My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, ' Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.'



He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, ' My penis is frozen solid.'


The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, ' Have you ever heard of a penis?'


Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...! Why do you ask? '


The daughter replies: ' They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they? '

[jzexrider]

Haaaa!!! That amish one is great.

[Pappy]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f#@^ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Pappy]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

[wild250rman]

Originally posted by Pappy
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f#@^ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. words of wisdom:huh

[trailrider894]

Originally posted by Pappy
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

best one yet!!

[Pappy]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My breast are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

[Pappy]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for
dinner.”

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

“Is it raisin for you too?”

“No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little.”

[250ex_dan]

hah the last one was funny!

[powermadd400ex]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..

[Pappy]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a

Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't

buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "What’s on the TV?"

I replied "Dust"

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her

husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really

need you to pay me a compliment.

'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our

upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0

to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our

anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet

appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A

Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply

saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light

for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream

for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look

better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

-------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some

reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

[honda400ex2003]

oh man! those are freaking awesome, they just kept getting better and better. i hope the ladies next door didnt hear me laughing... i dont want to have to read these to them. im not sure if they would think they were as funny as i do. :D HAHA steve

[bimcgo1]

A jet is making its final approach to St.John's Airport. .

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St.John's Newfoundland . I want to thank you for flying with us today and
hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK"

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge nockers out for dinner... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............

He's gotta land the plane and take a **** first."

[Pappy]

A man puts his alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in
the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his freedrinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it - just
don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[Pappy]

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And
Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.
After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel.
The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And
Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two
Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of
My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go
Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They
Are Walking Home The First Man Says,
you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'
dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'
'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was loving Her.'
His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'
a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'
'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck,
And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And
Flew Out The Window..... Took My Teeth With Her!'

[Brauap]

My favorite joke/story ever: http://www.exriders.com/vbb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=378660&highlight=fence+mowing+spot

[bimcgo1]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be “THE MAN” of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f---in' funeral director would be my first guess."

[Pappy]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said,
"Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

[Pappy]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... ........


















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[honda400ex2003]

thats pretty good! lol thanks pappy. steve

[smr]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[preddy brian]

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS>


Dear Ask Andy,

I hope you can help me here.. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Lost in Louisiana
******************************



Dear Lost:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Andy.

[preddy brian]

The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red..................... Cherry
Yellow................ Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange .............. Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ***-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[RATPACK Z400]

A dairy farmer orders high tech milking machine,all farmers need to do is place udder in device the rest is automatic, so one day the lonely farmer decides to try machine on himself so he put it on his privates and turns on machine the machine starts whirring and suction begins,after an hour he presses button to turn off but the device does,t shut off ,he cant pull out and sees no other way to stop machine .Frantic,the farmer finds customer service # in the instructions and calls and says "how do you get if off udder" Oh dont worry the rep said it automatically releases once it collects two gallons of milk.

[bimcgo1]

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes
off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!

[ngates788]

A son asked his mother the following quesion: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies: "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mother and goes off to double check this with his father.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in suprise and says:
" Son, all household appliances come in white!"

[CJM]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lamp and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with wate:D

[wild250rman]

Originally posted by CJM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lamp and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with wate:D
thats funny right there!

[250rsforlife]

thats a great joke man and only if this would happen in real life lol

[CJM]

glad you guys like it :D

[250rsforlife]

a blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog and a clerk is watching him and suddenly the blind man picks up his dog and starts swinging him around so the clerk walks over and asks "what are you doing sir" and the blind man replies "oh just looking around"

[Pappy]

An elderly couple is attending church services.

About halfway through the service, the elderly woman writes a note and hands it to her husband.

The note says, “I just let out a silent fart... What do you think I should do?”

The elderly gentleman scribbles a note back saying..... " I think you need to put a new battery in your hearing aid "

:eek:

[Wills77]

BABY PENIS

A young couple was on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting married, the girl said she had a confession to make. She said that she suffered from a childhood illness that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

"If you want to cancel the wedding then I'll understand," she said. The boy said, "I don't mind that you are flat chested, I love you."

Several miles down the road, the boy turned to the girl and said, "I to have a confession to make. You see I was born with a deformity which left me with a penis the size of a baby."

The girl replied in the same loving way, "I don't mind that your penis is the same size as a babies, I love you."

And so, the happy couple went to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word. she was as flat as a washboard. Then the boy took off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the boy said, I told you before we got married, so why are you so surprised?"

"You told me it was just like a baby," she said.

"Well it is," the boy replied, " 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 20 inches long."

[smr]

After being married for 60 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said "Honey, 60 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 22-year-old gal."

'Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen
TV, but I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're
not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

[Pappy]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter said :

"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[buck440]

why do mexicans wear their baseball caps with the brim up?












so they have a place to keep their taco.

[buck440]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[RATPACK Z400]

Thats funny! Im coming.best one i heard in awhile!

[ZeroLogic]

Originally posted by buck440
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

LMFAOO

[honda400ex2003]

you guys are killing me here. these are all too funny!

steve

[TheLane]

Obama. :D

[250rsforlife]

^^^^ Best one so far lol

[buck440]

look everybody, it's pedo bear!

[kbnorth99]

A woman named Gladys lives in a local nursing home. One day Gladys is in her room wearing nothing but her robe when a nurse walks in.

Gladys turns to the nurse opens her robe and yells, "Super-Pus*y!"

The nurse says, "Gladys that's gross. Stop that!"

Gladys shuffles down the hallway until she comes to another nurse sorting some supplies.

Gladys opens her robe and yells, "Super-Pus*y!"

The nurse says, "That's nasty Gladys. Quit that!"

Gladys continues on down the hall. She comes to a room with the door open. A man lays sleeping inside.

Gladys climbs up on his bed, stands over him, opens her robe and yells, "Super-Pus*y!"

The old man looks up at her naked body and replys, "Eew gross. I'll have the soup!"

[bimcgo1]

The value of a # 2 pencil


The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

[250ex_dan]

LMAO!:devil:

[wild250rman]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-a##, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[bimcgo1]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[bimcgo1]

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl." The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really
like the name 'Denise.'" What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, Denephew"

[bimcgo1]

IRISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?' The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[jake55]

what do you call a naked blonde standing on her head??????






a brunett with bad breath!!!!:eek2: :eek:

[wild250rman]

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS .