View Full Version : Jokes
Extremeracer167
11-29-2002, 11:11 AM
Lets everyone lay out some good jokes that u have heard. This should be a GREAT THREAD!! Heres mine!
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I
noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the **** do you do with a 6 foot *******?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket -- $195 dollars. The look on the cops face, PRICELESS
nice one. off the subject, what going on over at ********. do you know? i heard a rumor that someone hacked into it.
Extremeracer167
11-29-2002, 11:17 AM
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage,
When a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine. I've lost it and need a new one."
The mechanic asked, "What function does the 710 perform in your
car?"
she replied that she did not know, but this piece had always been there. Then he gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had it's hood up and
asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Next post is the punchline
Extremeracer167
11-29-2002, 11:18 AM
...
Extremeracer167
11-29-2002, 11:19 AM
not sure mel. I e-mailed John, and he hasnt got back to me yet:(
Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a
>
>State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the
>
>window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK,
>
>the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
>
>
>The driver asks, "What the **** was that for?"
>
>
>The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over,
>you
>
>better have your license ready when we get to your
>
>car."
>
>
>The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
>
>
>The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
>
>guy his license back, walks around to the passenger
>
>side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and
>
>WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the
>
>nightstick.
>
>
>The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
>
>
>The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
>
>
>The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
>
>
>The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to
>
>your buddy, "I wish that ******* would've tried that ****
>
>with me."
******** has been hacked into? I couldn't get into the fourms something weird was going on and either could "MrP" or "MPR" . Well something is definitly wrong with It. If anyone gets a chance to figure it out let me know. THANKS
Extremeracer167
11-29-2002, 11:25 AM
HAHA good one mel!!!!:D
BadA$$440
11-29-2002, 12:32 PM
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a N.Y. country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
BadA$$440
11-29-2002, 12:34 PM
A woman with a big butt is talking to her large chested friend and says what can I do with out surgery to get bigger boobs? Her friend tells her to every day take toilet paper and rub it between her tits.
The friend says "Really? that will work?"
The other friend replies " I dont know but it has worked great for your *****!"
BadA$$440
11-29-2002, 12:40 PM
CIA interview
The CIA needs to hire a new agent and lines up three applicants for interviews.
The first applicant gets great marks on the interview and then says:" Your wife is in the other room. To get this job you'll have to take this gun, go in there and shoot her". The applicant says:"You're crazy. We just got married and I love the woman" and stormed out.
The second applicant also has a great interview and to the request about shooting his wife says: "You're nuts. We've been married 15 years, have three lovely children and I love the woman" and stormed out.
The third applicant also has a great interview and when asked to shoot his wife, pauses a bit, picks up the gun, goes into the room and closes the door. After a few seconds gunshots were heard and then nothing. And then the sound of furniture and lamps being tossed around. About a minute later, he walks out looking disheveled. The agent asked him what the **** went on in there and the applicant answered:" It turns out the gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"
BadA$$440
11-29-2002, 12:42 PM
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.
Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by.....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.
BadA$$440
11-29-2002, 12:44 PM
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft,wonderful and larger than a "real one".
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
BadA$$440
11-29-2002, 12:48 PM
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
BadA$$440
11-29-2002, 12:52 PM
Golf
A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"
flyin#5
11-29-2002, 01:27 PM
lmfao!
stupid driver
11-29-2002, 01:28 PM
sphen and olly were unimploid. they went to the unimployment office to collect money. sphen went in first. the lady asked him what his job was. he said " i sew the ellastic lining on panties". she says thats an unskilled labor, and ull be paid 250 dollars a month. Sphen says "great great i never hav this much money"
Olly goes in. the lady asks his labor. he says "deesle fit" she says "ohh, diesel fit, thats a skilled labor, ull be paid 500 dollars a month" Olly says " this is great"
Olly goes home and tells sphen hes gettin paid 500 dollars. Sphen of coarse is pissed. he goes rite down to the unimployment office and yells at the lady, " why does olly get 500 and me only 250." she replies, your friend olly is a skilled laborer, ur not. sphen says, "Bull shi*" i sew the ellastic liner on panties
and he stiks them over his head and says "Deesle fit'
Extremeracer167
11-29-2002, 03:15 PM
HAHA keep em comin!!
stupid driver
11-29-2002, 04:18 PM
bill clinton and hillary were on a road trip, when they came to a gas station. a man, who happened to be hillary's old boyfriend came out and started filling their gas, and washing their windows. after they left, and were driving away bill said, " see what you would have been like if you married that guy and not me, you wouldnt be the first ladie. hillary replied, " yes i would ":blah
Tommy 17
11-29-2002, 04:49 PM
why do people in pennsylvania use clear garbage bags???
so the wv people can go window shopping!!! haha TACO GET OUT MY TRASH MAN!!!!! lmfao
> > >
> > > The cold season is upon us, so be careful what you take!!!!
> > >
> > > The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against
> >the
> > > wall.
> > >
> > > The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"
> > >
> > > The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for
> >his
> > > cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle
> of
> > > laxative."
> > >
> > > The owner exclaims, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle
of
> > > laxatives!"
> > >
> > > The clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to
> >cough."
> > >
>
>
chris4w1
12-01-2002, 07:06 PM
these three guys get struck by lightning and the go to heaven and they ge there and god says oh sorry your the wrong three so he says go over to that slide grab the bar above it and make a wish it will come true the first guy goes over and grabs the bar and says millionare when he hits earth he is a millionare the secondguy goes over and says doctor he hits earth and is a doctor the third guy goes over hits his head on the bar says cock sucker and falls down the slide he hits earth as a catholic preist
i hav one
what does the penis say to the condom
cover me, im goin in!
chris4w1
12-01-2002, 07:08 PM
and ******** is up and running again and u can get into all the forums but all the posts were deleted so there is nothing good there yet and i think know who hacked into it and they are going to prosicute the hackers
what does the Arkansaw governtment, a tornado, and a divorce hav in common
someone is going to loose a trailer
A man in his 50's bought a new BMW and was out on the Highway for a nice
evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was
left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle climbed up to 130 k/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue
lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a BMW', he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 145,160, 170, ....... then the reality of
the situation hit him. 'What the **** am I doing?' he thought and pulled ove=
r.
The officer came over to him, took his licence without a word, examined it
and the car. "Its been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift, and
its Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give
me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go.
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!".
bluebaron
12-03-2002, 07:19 PM
Originally posted by Extremeracer167
Lets everyone lay out some good jokes that u have heard. This should be a GREAT THREAD!! Heres mine!
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I
noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the **** do you do with a 6 foot *******?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."
The ticket -- $195 dollars. The look on the cops face, PRICELESS
hey i think we got a winner for the new discover or master card ad (the look on the cops face , priceless) lmao
what do Micheal Jackson and Mc Donalds have in common????
They both stick 40 year old meat in 13 year old buns!, LMFAO
a guy gets a knock at his doorstep, he opens it up to see a snail at his feet. he picks up the snail, and throws it as far as he can, 3 years later, he gets a knock at the door. he looks down to see the same snail. the snail says "what was that all about?"
What does a hockey goaly and a women have in common?
They both change their pads after three periods.
No flame on these next ones. Me and my friend are somewhat polish so we think all the jokes are funny so im gonna lay some out for you guys...
How do you get a one armed polack out of a tree?
You wave to him.
How did the Germans invade poland?
The walked in backwards and said they were leaving.
Whats the new polish invention?
Solar powered flashlights
Why did the polish helicopter crash?
He got cold and turned off the fan.
Did you know the polish invented the toliet seat?
It toke the french to put the hole in it though!
:D
flyin#5
12-03-2002, 08:03 PM
sick joke-
a girl walks in on her dad while he is taking a piss. she says whats that thing growing between your legs daddy
dad: that is a penis
girl: daddy when will i have a penis between my legs?
dad: in about 10 minutes when mommy leaves for work.
lol
my favorite is stil why did michel jackson go to kmart
cause he heard boys pants were half off
killer
Pro400EXC
12-03-2002, 08:41 PM
A Blonde Walks into a Pawn Shop,and ask's a clerk,"how much for that TV up there"
Clerk Replies"I'm Sorry We don't sell to blondes"
Blonde gets pissed,and walks out
She comes in the next day as a Brunette
"Say how much for that TV", to the clerk
Clerk Says" Sorry,we don't sell to blondes"
Blonde leaves again,comes back next day as a redhead
Says to Clerk, "how much for the TV up there"
Clerkn Says" Sorry we don't sell to blondes'
Pro400EXC
12-03-2002, 08:43 PM
A Blonde Walks into a Pawn Shop,and ask's a clerk,"how much for that TV up there"
Clerk Replies"I'm Sorry We don't sell to blondes"
Blonde gets pissed,and walks out
She comes in the next day as a Brunette
"Say how much for that TV", to the clerk
Clerk Says" Sorry,we don't sell to blondes"
Blonde leaves again,comes back next day as a redhead
Says to Clerk, "how much for the TV up there"
Clerkn Says" Sorry we don't sell to blondes"
Blonde says " Know,how do you know I am a blonde"
Clerk Says "Cause that ain't a TV its a Microwave"
A Mexican and a Black Fella are riding in a car..whos driving?
The Cop,lol (no i ain't racist)
A Black Fella is driving down the road at 50mph,sticks his head outta the window..what kills him?
His Lips..lol (i ain't racist)
:)
BadA$$440
12-03-2002, 09:06 PM
Originally posted by WOT400ex
a guy gets a knock at his doorstep, he opens it up to see a snail at his feet. he picks up the snail, and throws it as far as he can, 3 years later, he gets a knock at the door. he looks down to see the same snail. the snail says "what was that all about?"
I dont get it:confused: :confused:
the guy threw it as far as he can. which being a few meters. it took the snail 3 years to drag itself a couple meters, in the end saying "What was that all about?"
you are slow.
lil400exman
12-04-2002, 10:34 AM
ohh coming back to the door thats fuuunkay! i just dont get it
skinrider440
12-04-2002, 11:22 AM
a salesman knocks on a door and a 8 year old boy opens the door with a beer, a cigarette, and the remote. the salesman ask "is your mommy or daddy home?" and the little boy says "does it f***ing look like it".
skinrider440
12-04-2002, 11:24 AM
what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
nothing, you done told her twice
three men go to heaven when they get there god says now guys watever you do dont step ona duck.
one day they go golfing and one of them steps on a duck so god comes out with the ugliest woman ever and chains them together and tells them their eternal partners then the second guy steps on one and the same happens about a year goes past and the third guy never stepped on a duck then god came out with this beautiful woman and chains them together and the man askes her wat she did and she said "I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I STEPPED ON A DUCK":blah
another...
A man has been bad all his life so he goes to **** he walks up to the devil and the devil says oo its not so bad "do you like to drink" the guy says why sure i love to drink well every monday thats all we do is drink do you like to smoke well ya well good that is all we do on tuesday is smoke Well are you gay.. No "oh then your not gonna like wednesdays"
here's a good one i enjoyed...Michael Jackson is moving to PA. he's going to Dubois(DoBoys). he's moving in with his three best friends, Phil MaCraken(FillMyCrackIn) and Holden MaGroin(Holdingmygroin). :devil. there was three but i can't remeber the third.
400exInMI
12-14-2002, 07:38 PM
>You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
>You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
>
>Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
>
>Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
>You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>
>You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
>
>The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
>
>Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare
>a loved one.
>
>You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.
>
>You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
>You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
>You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
>Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>
>Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
>
>You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
>
>You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
>
>You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
>
>You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
>Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
>
>You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
>
>You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
>
>You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
>You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
>You have a rag for a gas cap.
>
>Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
>
>You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
>
>You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
>You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.
>
>Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
>You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
>
>You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on
the
>side.
>
>The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
>
>Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>
>You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
>
>You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
>You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
>
>Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
you
>home.
>
>A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvement.
>
>You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
>
>You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"
>
>You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
>
>You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
400exInMI
12-14-2002, 07:40 PM
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution
IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No hot-dog for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
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