Chuck Norris jokes...

[tgreenz400]

lets hear em'. heres some of my favorites

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris doesnt cut grass, he stares it down and dares it to grow.

[416exfreak]

Chuck Norris is a punk...Jet Li could take him any day of the week...

and his jokes are lame...:ermm:

[Ghost-Rider]

Dude, jet li sucks, come on he is asian, Chuck Norris would kill him.

[cr977]

chuck noris would kick jet li's ***, he is so strong he does not do push ups he does earth downs.

Mr. T isn't black...The sun is just too afraid to shine on him.

I hear that Mr. T rubs his bling in the blood of his enemys to get that special shine.

[416exfreak]

Jet Li's ninja skillz would pwn Chuck Norris...:p

[killerofcrows48]

"Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris."

[Ghost-Rider]

Originally posted by killerofcrows48
"Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris."

LOL

[JOEX]

Originally posted by 416exfreak
Jet Li's ninja skillz would pwn Chuck Norris...:p
Ninjas wear black in hopes of hiding from Chuck Norris thus increasing their life expectancy.

[BlaineKaiser450]

Originally posted by JOEX
Ninjas wear black in hopes of hiding from Chuck Norris thus increasing their life expectancy. LMAO

[07250ex]

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen

theres a few and chuck norris is said to be the second greatest martial artist next to bruce lee

[troyleepred719]

Top 10 Anti-Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.

6. Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK-47. The gun. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a ****ing Jeep.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Farmers' Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Chuck Norris, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.

[thisperishedmin]

Chuck Norris shocked the scientific community in demanding the Periodic Tabler of Elements be cast away. This is because the only element Chuck Norris believes in is the Element of Surprise.

[JOEX]

If buddha were alive he would grow a beard and pray to Chuck Norris.

[allstock]

chuck norris frequently signs up for the begginer karate classes so he can "accidently" beat up little children

[trx400EXtreme]

Originally posted by cr977
chuck noris would kick jet li's ***, he is so strong he does not do push ups he does earth downs. hahaha:D

[JOEX]

When Chuck Norris picks up the phone, even the dial tone shuts the f' up!!!

[pro-rider46]

Originally posted by allstock
chuck norris frequently signs up for the begginer karate classes so he can "accidently" beat up little children


thats not funny...its true

[DVXracer]

When chuck norris jumps in a pool, chuck norris dosent get wet, wet gets chuck norris.

Chuck norris' tears can cure cancer, to bad he doesnt cry.

Chuck norris never shaves his balls .. cause steel balls cant grow hair.

I have a lot of them, ill post more after i get some rest. :)

[DVXracer]

Originally posted by JOEX
When Chuck Norris picks up the phone, even the dial tone shuts the f' up!!!

hahahahha

Originally posted by JOEX
If buddha were alive he would grow a beard and pray to Chuck Norris.

Whatever happened to Buddah/Buddha?

Chuck Norris does not have a chin under his beard, but only another fist.

Chuck Norris once kicked someone so hard that he ripped a hole in time, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she was in flight.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr.T pities a fool.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

23. That’s the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T’s edition of the VH1 show ‘Where Are They Now’ was the shortest in the show’s history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words “Right Behind You” written on it.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

[smr]

I don't know why anybody would want to hate on Chuck Norris. He has proabley done more for the American Soldier than anybody else in Hollywood.

How many of yall know that Chuck, His Brother and his son race off road trucks.

Chuck can also ride the hell out of a dirt bike.

[MX MaNiAc 06]

Those jokes are so old!

[beaker1214]

The Top Thirty Facts about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right

[cr977]

there where some good ones in there but some of those sucked