Project300EX
04-04-2007, 09:37 PM
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching a
flat metal
bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer
across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained table
you were
drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the
workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-
earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Yeou ....."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until
you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of
blood-blisters. The tool used most often by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built
on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the
worse the cut becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket
you've been
searching for, for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is
to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate pop up ads
appear on a
computer screen.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads. Women
excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly
rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
AIR RATCHET: A device that smashes your knuckles once a nut or bolt is
completely tightened.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when
hanging pictures.
CENTER PUNCH: A pointy chisel that locates a starting point, for
drilling,
everywhere but in the center.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts Especially useful for slicing
work clothes,
but only while in use.
flat metal
bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer
across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained table
you were
drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the
workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-
earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Yeou ....."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until
you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of
blood-blisters. The tool used most often by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built
on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the
worse the cut becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket
you've been
searching for, for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is
to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate pop up ads
appear on a
computer screen.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads. Women
excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts
which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly
rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
AIR RATCHET: A device that smashes your knuckles once a nut or bolt is
completely tightened.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when
hanging pictures.
CENTER PUNCH: A pointy chisel that locates a starting point, for
drilling,
everywhere but in the center.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts Especially useful for slicing
work clothes,
but only while in use.