Jokes... i love these threads

[ATV Chic]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> >
> > > > A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
> > > > and
>help
> > > > me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
> > > > to
>get it
> > > > started."
> > > > Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
> > > > finished?" blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
> > > > it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with
> > > > the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
>table.
> > > > He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
>turns
> > > > to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
>going
> > > > to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
>tiger."
> > > >
> > > > He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.let's
> > > > have
>a
> > > > nice cup of tea, and then ........
> > > > " He sighed................
> > > > "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

[mach1stang]

haha pretty good.

[54warrior]

Good one,


A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse "



After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****."

[ATV Chic]

^^^ hahaha awesome! :D

[mach1stang]

haha that funny.:p :D

[ATV Chic]

One winter morning in Michigan a couple was
> > > listening to the radio while
> > > eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
> > > are going to have 8
> > > to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
> > > on the even-numbered
> > > side of
> > > the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife
> > > went out and moved her car.
> > >
> > > A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio
> > > announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow
> > > today. You must park your
> > > car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
> > > snowplows can get
> > > through."
> > > Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
> > >
> > > The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio
> > > announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow
> > > today. You must park."
> > > Then the electric power went off.
> > >
> > > Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried
> > > look on her face she
> > > said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street
> > > do I need to
> > > park on so the snowplows can get through?"
> > >
> > > With the love and understanding in his voice that
> > > all men who are married
> > > to blondes exhibit, Norman said.
> > >
> > > "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this
> > > time?

[mach1stang]

thats a good one.

two blondes are walking thru the woods when they come upon some tracks...one says "those are bear tracks"...the other says "no those are raccoon tracks" ...the other goes "no way they are definitely bear tracks" ....they go back and forth for a half an hour arguing about what kind of tracks they are ....and then a train hits them...:D

[mach1stang]

hahaha thats funny i saw it at first and it was so short i was like this aint going to be real funny but its funny real funny.

[54warrior]

LOL!!!

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[mach1stang]

dang.
thats all i can says dang.

What do a blond and a turtle have in common?
































Once their on their back their screwed. Yeah not really a funny one.

i got 2 more:

how does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?....she opens the car door....

if a blonde and a brunette jump off a building at the same time who hits the ground first? the brunette, the blonde has to stop and ask directions...:D

[<DRS>GPF]

Texas Midget
A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time.

The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmmm..." mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again,

"Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table and pull his pants up. Then to walk around and see if his testicles still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.


The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?
"The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots." :blah:

[premiumtommy]

southern guy goes to the pharmacy and says:

I need some condoms for my 12 year old daughter.

The pharmacist says, Your daughter is sexually active at 12?

Guy says, Not really, she kinda just lays there like her mother.....

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by premiumtommy
southern guy goes to the pharmacy and says:

I need some condoms for my 12 year old daughter.

The pharmacist says, Your daughter is sexually active at 12?

Guy says, Not really, she kinda just lays there like her mother.....



:eek2: :huh ewwww!

[ATV Chic]

There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he
went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much

discussion,

they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children
were costing the synagogue. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the
crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the
congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."

[trx400EXtreme]

Originally posted by premiumtommy
southern guy goes to the pharmacy and says:

I need some condoms for my 12 year old daughter.

The pharmacist says, Your daughter is sexually active at 12?

Guy says, Not really, she kinda just lays there like her mother.....

LMFAO!!! thats so gross!!!

[coolex]

Originally posted by premiumtommy
southern guy goes to the pharmacy and says:

I need some condoms for my 12 year old daughter.

The pharmacist says, Your daughter is sexually active at 12?

Guy says, Not really, she kinda just lays there like her mother.....


:D wierd

[400EXTRA]

them are nice!:D

[Kansas400ex]

ahahahaha those are great!!!

[ATV Chic]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says
> to the first man he
> meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
>
> The man said, "I do, Father."
>
> The priest said, "Then stand over there against the
> wall."
>
> Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want
> to go to heaven?"
>
> "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
>
> "Then stand over there against the wall," said the
> priest.
>
> Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,
> "Do you want to go to
> heaven?"
>
> O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
>
> The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean
> to tell me that when
> you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
>
> O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
> were getting a group
> together to go right now."

[ATV Chic]

> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
> stopped for
> speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells
> alcohol on the
> priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
> on the floor of the
> car.
>
> He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
>
> "Just water," says the priest.
>
> The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
>
> The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
> He's done it
> again!"

[exracer416]

what do you call a dog with no legs???





doesnt matter what you call it, it isnt going to come!!

[smr]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. SInce his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does all his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in the house for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[smr]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St.
Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had
to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,
"So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans
hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a
tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted.

[ATV Chic]

rolflmfao haha :D ^^

[krt400ex]

i just started thread for this one b4 i saw this thread...so i figured id put it here too...


# A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single, and second, you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

[54warrior]

Joe Burns, a blind Marine, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6-foot, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now,
think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[54warrior]

The Horth Whithperer

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His
buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech
impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if
he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female
horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the
guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's
eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the
little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is
gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he
picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire
at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's nose right up to the horses
rear, pulls him back and slams him
on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun
awound a widdlebit"?

[krt400ex]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he
went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much

discussion,

they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children
were costing the synagogue. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the
crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the
congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."


hahaha lmfao

[440bigborekit]

heres a nasty one so dont get mad haha

theres a boy with his mom and dad walkin in a zoo

he sees two monkeys havin sex and asked his parents what there doin

the mom says dont worry hunny there jus makin cakes

they keep walkin and he sees two ppl havi sex on the park bench

he again asks what there doing

the mom again says dont worry there just makin cakes

so then they go home and the next morning at breakfest

the boy asks his mom if she had fun makin cakes with dad last nite

she replied " how'd you know? "

the boy says " i liked the iceing off the couch "

[juanki]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies :

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. " You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Should I smile for my Kodak Moment?"

And the best one of all...
14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[juanki]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies :

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. " You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Should I smile for my Kodak Moment?"

And the best one of all...
14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[krt400ex]

Originally posted by 440bigborekit
heres a nasty one so dont get mad haha

theres a boy with his mom and dad walkin in a zoo

he sees two monkeys havin sex and asked his parents what there doin

the mom says dont worry hunny there jus makin cakes

they keep walkin and he sees two ppl havi sex on the park bench

he again asks what there doing

the mom again says dont worry there just makin cakes

so then they go home and the next morning at breakfest

the boy asks his mom if she had fun makin cakes with dad last nite

she replied " how'd you know? "

the boy says " i liked the iceing off the couch "


omg...it was funny the first time i heard it...bu i have heard it like 5x now...lol

[MillerTime4187]

1. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate replies "Argh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

2. A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this a joke?"

3. An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a dear 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large mule deer standing at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the deer fell over dead.

Now,what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that deer."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[krt400ex]

Originally posted by MillerTime4187
1. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate replies "Argh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

2. A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this a joke?"

3. An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a dear 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large mule deer standing at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the deer fell over dead.

Now,what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that deer."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".


hahaha, that is great

[ATV Chic]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

[krt400ex]

haha, that is funny...


wouldnt have expected that outcome

[54warrior]

There was a church down in Southwest Texas that had a very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons
though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and
you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said............. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not
hath a thermon tewday."

[54warrior]

FIRST TIME SEX
>
>A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
>
>Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he Takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
>He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
>That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
>A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

[sly400ex]

Ed Zachery Disease


There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.

"Now," he said. "Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room." The woman did.

"Now," he said. "Now craw reery reery fass back to me." The woman did. The Dr. looked at her mournfully and said "I vely solly. Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachery Disease."

"Ed Zachery Disease? What's that?"

"Vewy sad. It's when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your a s s !

[54warrior]

http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s245/54warrior/dumbkid.jpg

[54warrior]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

[54warrior]

With all the trouble in the world today, sometimes we tend to overlook small but significant events. A few months ago, Mr. Fred Pertle, the man who wrote the "Hokie Pokie" passed away, almost unnoticed by the world. His family was placing him in the coffin. First, they put his right leg in. Then the trouble began.

[ATV Chic]

http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p313/sexyatvchic/calvin_hobbs.jpg


Sorry to the mods if this offends but i think it's cute lol :p

[ATV Chic]

>A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her
>bed, and squealing with delight.
>
>Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
>ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
>
>The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what
>you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that
>not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
>
>The husband replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old a**?"
>
>"Your name never came up!" she replied.

[ATV Chic]

A group of Tyler friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under
the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying
out there
and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the
hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

[ATV Chic]

Italians & Greeks

A Greek and an Italian met one sunny afternoon in Greece and shared a glass of wine.


The Greek couldn't help bragging about his rich cultural heritage.
"We Greeks built the Parthenon," he said proudly.
The Italian answered, "We Italians built the Colliseum and the
Sistine Chapel."
The Greek, unfazed, said, "We Greeks gave the world Socrates and
Plato."
The Italian said, "We Italians gave the world Michaelangelo, DaVinci
and Gallileo."
Somewhat frustrated, the Greek said, "Yes, but we Greeks gave the
world sex."
To which the Italian calmly replied, "True, but we Italians
introduced it to women."

[skull2002]

there was this little old lady,, and she had two pet monkeys.she had them for so long that they had become part of her family. one morning she went to care for them, and they had both died of old age,,,she was heartbroken. so she wrapped them up very gently in a nice towel, and put them in a box. she took them to a taxidermist, explaining to him how much they meant to her and was there anything he could do so she could keep them forever. the taxidermist said, would you like them mounted? the old lady said, no....shakin hands would be fine.

[ATV Chic]

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning
>>>>heavily against a wall and looking faint.
>>>>
>>>>He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
>>>>wall?"
>>>>
>>>>The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to
>>>>get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I
>>>>gave him
>>>>an entire bottle of laxative."
>>>>
>>>>The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a
>>>>laxative!"
>>>>
>>>>The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's
>>>>afraid to cough!

[skull2002]

a man walks into a bar and sees a woman setting alone.he walks up ,and they start talking. he buys her a drink, they talk more, this continues for a while. finally they decide to go back to his place. they are sitting on his couch drinking a nice glass of wine, and start kissing. one thing leads to another and they decide to go to his bedroom.when she turns on the light she notices every wall in his bedroom is covered with teddy bears from top to bottom! she thinks to herself, hmmm this is kinda weird....but then she thinks, hmmm maybe it would be nice to be with a sensitive man for once. afterwards...as they are lieing there, she asks him...how was i? he replies....you can pick any prize off the bottom three rows!

[krt400ex]

Originally posted by skull2002
a man walks into a bar and sees a woman setting alone.he walks up ,and they start talking. he buys her a drink, they talk more, this continues for a while. finally they decide to go back to his place. they are sitting on his couch drinking a nice glass of wine, and start kissing. one thing leads to another and they decide to go to his bedroom.when she turns on the light she notices every wall in his bedroom is covered with teddy bears from top to bottom! she thinks to herself, hmmm this is kinda weird....but then she thinks, hmmm maybe it would be nice to be with a sensitive man for once. afterwards...as they are lieing there, she asks him...how was i? he replies....you can pick any prize off the bottom three rows!



haha lmfao:D

[54warrior]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to sh1t when you hear the price."

[54warrior]

Doesn't he look familiar????





























http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s245/54warrior/Image1-1.jpg

[krt400ex]

Originally posted by 54warrior
Doesn't he look familiar????








http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s245/54warrior/Image1-1.jpg


holy crap...lmfao. that is funny as hell

[aci clay]

what do a bleach blonde and a airliner have in common?






both have a little black box.

[ATV Chic]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, How do you know they are having sex?"

" Billy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[54warrior]

LOL^^^thats a good one!!!


A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache".

[underpowered]

i just found a few on another site.

Quantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which tells
Mechanics
about problems with the aircraft. Mechanics correct the problems,
document
their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the
next flight... Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Quantas
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance
engineers (marked with an M).
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ****pit.
M: Something tightened in ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ****pit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget

[ATV Chic]

^^^ I've seen that before, it's so funny lmfao :D

[underpowered]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. Soon I noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting 6.3, Fishing
7.5, and Racing 3.6. Don't work properly. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!




REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


BEST OF LUCK,
TECH SUPPORT

[underpowered]

Drill Press

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

Wire Wheel

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch....”

Electric Hand Drill

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

Pliers

Used to round off bolt heads.

Hacksaw

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

Whitworth Sockets

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

Hydraulic Floor Jack

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

8' Douglas Fir 2x4

Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

Tweezers

A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone

Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn’t use anyway.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist

A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

Craftsman ½"x16" Screwdriver

A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.



Aviation Metal Snips

See hacksaw.



Trouble Light

The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells were used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.

Pry Bar

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Hose Cutter

A tool used to cut hoses too short.

Hammer

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic’s Knife

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Dammit Tool

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Damn it!” at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

Expletive

A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[underpowered]

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy


"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner


"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone


"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson


" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.."
--Robin Williams


"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld


"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

[54warrior]

Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."


The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."



Two hours later Hung Chow calls back "Boss, I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

[krt400ex]

Originally posted by 54warrior
Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."


The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."



Two hours later Hung Chow calls back "Boss, I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."



haha, lmfao

[54warrior]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When
grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using
one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're
very strong and very expensive."


"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and
before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00,
not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.

[54warrior]

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE>>>


A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

[54warrior]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals with green wool socks, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bears chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bears grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Minnesota and get another one?"

[54warrior]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy
sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and
says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3
pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner
Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big
guy kneels down
and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy say! s,
"What's wrong with
you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did
you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and
figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions
everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350
pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds,
and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus I
thought you said,
Turn Around!"

[ATV Chic]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've go! t to se e these
two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is ! still w atching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence."

[ATV Chic]

Subject: Are You Kathlick?



Three little boys were concerned

because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized

and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church.

But, only the janitor was there.

One little Boy said,

"We need to be baptized

because no one will come out and play with us.

Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom

and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,

one at a time.

Then he said, "You are now baptized!".

" When they got outside,

one of them asked,

"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said,

"Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking ,

"Yeah! What do You think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians. "

[ATV Chic]

hahah lmao :D



Originally posted by 54warrior
WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE>>>


A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

[ATV Chic]

Earl and Bubba, two good ol boys from Dixie, are quietly sittin in a boat fishin, chewin an drinkin sweet tea when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his tea and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.

[54warrior]

GERIATRIC PRENUP

A senior couple were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..

[ATV Chic]

Pearly Gates Arrival

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."

I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"

St. Peter was very impressed .... "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[ATV Chic]

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital
dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

2 - In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
America , but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants
and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of
Agriculture in charge of immigration

[mach1stang]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
Pearly Gates Arrival

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."

I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"

St. Peter was very impressed .... "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."


hahaha thats funny it took me a second to figure it out but its funny.

[roundsy]

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, when one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

MORE THAN JUST A SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "DUH, We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A BLONDE'S BEST FRIEND
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO.....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[ATV Chic]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're hookers.
Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem. Bring your female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two
male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to
stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots
will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to
the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding
rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots
and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hookers, want to
have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered."

[450r ride red]

does ur dik touch ur a55? (yes) go **** yourself

[ATV Chic]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me
in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was
jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started
jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped
jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying
for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier
for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you
mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so
soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they
actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests
came out positive!"

[noslofiveoh]

Daddy's little girl

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain s#*% in our garden."



the bullfrog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!"

"Blow jobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ***** is gone."

[54warrior]

The Baby Photographer


The Smiths were unable to conceive a child and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm Off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good,
Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."


"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

[ATV Chic]

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

[ilpadrino113]

Adolf Coors, August Busch, and Arthur Guinness are sitting in a bar after a brewers convention. the bartender comes by to take orders. busch sais "i'll have a budweiser." Adolf Coors sais "i'll have a coors light." Arthur guinness goes "I'll have a coke." the other 2 go "hey arthur why are you only drinking a coke?." Mr. Guinness answers "if you aren't drinkin beer i sure as hell aren't goin to."



Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Sheep can hear zippers

[NPelletier]

heres one:

A fly was flying just above a river, theres a fish under the river that says “if the fly drops two inches lower I can jump up and eat him”, a bear on the riverside says “if that fish jumps out of the water I can grab him, and on the opposite bank a hunter is standing behind a bush and says “if the bear grabs the fish I can shoot him”, and theres a cat next to the hunter that says, “if the hunter shoots the bear I’ll have good eatin today”….so, the fly drops two inches, the fish jumps up and gets the fly and the bear lunges and snags the fish, the hunter shoots and kills the bear…and all exited the cat jumps into the water…..

Moral of the story is, every time a fly drops 2 inches, a ***** gets wet..

[NPelletier]

Ok…this kid is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time…and he wants this to be the night he and his girlfriend make love for the first time as well, being a virgin the kid goes down to the local pharmacy and asks the pharmacist what the best kind of condom is, the kid explains that he wants to do it with his girlfriend for the first time and the pharmacist helps him out, picks a good condom out and gives it to the kid…

That night the kid shows up at his girlfriends house for dinner, he sat down at the table and the said grace, five minutes into dinner, the kid still had his hands cuffed and his head bowed and the girl goes, :”I didn’t know you were so religious”, and he goes, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist”

[ATV Chic]

Ol Blue

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his fathe r will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father meets him at the gate, and is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a *^%$# before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

“That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

[TXATVRIDER]

Yeah that's definitly a good one!

[ATV Chic]

GOLFING WITH THE WIFE
>
> A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
> bruises, two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his

throat.
>
> Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you???"
>
> "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
> difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
>
> We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one

of
> the
> cows had something white at its rear end.
>
> "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
> ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
> cow's butt.
>
> "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
> looks like yours!'
>
> "I don't remember much after that."

[ATV Chic]

>BEST WELFARE JOKE OF THE YEAR:
>
>A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
>counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks.
>I'd really
>rather have a job."
>The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
>We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
>chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
>You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
>your clothes.
>Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
>You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
>You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
>You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
>starting salary is $90,000 a year."
>The guy, wide-eyed, says , "You're Bull****tin' me!"
>
>The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[54warrior]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
>BEST WELFARE JOKE OF THE YEAR:



Thats a classic!!!

[54warrior]

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$500.00 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500.00 and leaves. The woman wraps back
up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor,"
she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the
$500.00 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his
arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and
a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me
next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says
to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree," sighed the turkey, "but haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullS$%^ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out
and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who S$%^'s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of S$%^ is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep S$%^, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[ATV Chic]

^^^^ Best classic joke EVER! lol and soooo true! :p

[54warrior]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table when a very
attractive
blonde woman from South Carolina arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
Come on, baby, this Southern Girl needs new clothes.

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...
YES, YES, I WON, I WON.

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
What in the Hell did she roll.

The other answered, I don't know, I thought you were watching.


Moral:
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men, are men.










> CHINESE PROVERBS
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
>
> * ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget

[ATV Chic]

Uncle Paul

"Hello?"

Hi honey This is Daddy.


Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy - she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says - "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't
moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming
pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean
it
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Badda Bing!

[ATV Chic]

Out of The Car!
> >> >
(This is a true account recorded in the police log of Sarasota , Florida )

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon Returning to
her car, found four males in the act of leaving With her vehicle
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, Proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I Know how to use it! Get out of the car!!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
Shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the
Driver's' seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key
Into The Ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned
on her why.
For The same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat..
A few minutes later, she found her own car prked
four
Or five spaces ; further down the parking lot.
She loaded Her bags into the car and drove to the police
station to report Her Mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop Laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four Pale Men were
Reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
White, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
Carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

> >> > Moral of the story: If you're going to have a
> >> > Senior
> >> > Moment, make it memorable

[ATV Chic]

Washington, 7 Years after Clinton left......


http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p313/sexyatvchic/clinton.jpg

[54warrior]

Two medical students were walking along the
street when they saw an old man walking with his
legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm
sure he has Petry Syndrome because those people walk
just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks
just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask
the old man. They approached him and one of the
students said to him: "We're medical students and
couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could
you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first
you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry
Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...but you are
wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...but you are
wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...but
I was wrong."

[54warrior]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the
answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable
to think this one through.

At the exact same time, there are two 25 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.



The other is getting a "hummer" from an 85 year old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?



































"Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down"

[54warrior]

An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was.

'Wife name "Three Horse."

That's an unusual name for your wife - "Three Horse."

What does it mean?


'It old Indian name - mean, "Nag - Nag - Nag."

[54warrior]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, Just a minute I have to go pee.

The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?

Peter said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?

I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.

The teacher fainted.

[smr]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on!

[ATV Chic]

Stupid Computers


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob, the computer
guy, to come over. Bob, clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T
error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

Bob grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."


So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T


I used to like Bob :)=20

[ATV Chic]

The Louisiana Game Warden
> >
> > An Louisiana redneck was stopped by a game warden in Caddo Parish,
> > Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well
> > known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have
> > a license to catch those fish?"
> >
> > "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet
> > fish."
> >
> > "Pet fish?"
> >
> > "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em
> > swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back
> > into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
> >
> > "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
> >
> > The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
> > "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
> >
> > "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
> >
> > The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After
> > several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
> >
> > "Well?"
> >
> > "Well, what?" said the redneck.
> >
> > "When are you going to call them back?"
> >
> > "Call who back?"
> >
> > "The FISH!"
> >
> > "What fish?"
> >
> > We in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as
> > most. You smart ones have a good day.

[BlaineKaiser450]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> >
> > > > A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
> > > > and
>help
> > > > me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
> > > > to
>get it
> > > > started."
> > > > Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
> > > > finished?" blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
> > > > it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with
> > > > the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
>table.
> > > > He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
>turns
> > > > to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
>going
> > > > to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
>tiger."
> > > >
> > > > He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.let's
> > > > have
>a
> > > > nice cup of tea, and then ........
> > > > " He sighed................
> > > > "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......." funny but i dont like blonde jokes because my gf is blonde and shes the smartest person i know but i thought it was funny

[ATV Chic]

Old Love



A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kiteHe throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.


She opens the window and yells to her husband,"You need a piece of tail."



The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by BlaineKaiser450
funny but i dont like blonde jokes because my gf is blonde and shes the smartest person i know but i thought it was funny


I'm blonde, and i think i'm quite intelligant, and look at how many of the "blonde jokes" I've posted on here. I think it's funny anymore. No reason to take them to heart :p :o JMO

[wilkin250r]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
I'm blonde, and i think i'm quite intelligant, and look at how many of the "blonde jokes" I've posted on here. I think it's funny anymore. No reason to take them to heart :p :o JMO

Be honest, now. Do you think they are funny, or you don't get them but you're laughing because everybody else is laughing?

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by wilkin250r
Be honest, now. Do you think they are funny, or you don't get them but you're laughing because everybody else is laughing?


Hahah Touché lol. I promise you, i get them. haha nice try though ;) :p

[54warrior]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?





An Indian Chief, was asked by a white government Official,

"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and

his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage

he's done."





The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering

all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"



The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute And

then calmly replied, "When white man find land, Indians Running it. No

taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean water; women did

all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and

fishing; all night having sex."





Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough

think he improve system like that."

[ATV Chic]

Hahaha ^^^ awesome :D

[duke416ex]

If only we could go back to that style of living!!!

[QuadJunkies]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
Hahah Touché lol. I promise you, i get them. haha nice try though ;) :p
Never under estimate a blonde!! :D Ive met some pretty dingy brunettes actually. lol
the only blonde jokes I know are not suitable for me to post

:ermm:

Theres some funny stuff in hear

The one about the dog on the 1st page was BAD!:p

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by QuadJunkies
Never under estimate a blonde!! :D Ive met some pretty dingy brunettes actually. lol
the only blonde jokes I know are not suitable for me to post

:ermm:

Theres some funny stuff in hear

The one about the dog on the 1st page was BAD!:p


Haha, i hear ya on the brunette's thing! I don't know how it just got stereotyped to blondes, maybe jessica simpson had somethin to do with it idk lol I've TRIED to keep the jokes from being tooo bad but, sometimes you can't stop these guys lol :p I just get too many of these from the people i know, i don't think they have anything better to do haha :D I just hope if someone's havin a bad day the jokes cheer 'em up :D

[54warrior]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
Haha, i hear ya on the brunette's thing! I don't know how it just got stereotyped to blondes, maybe jessica simpson had somethin to do with it idk lol I've TRIED to keep the jokes from being tooo bad but, sometimes you can't stop these guys lol :p I just get too many of these from the people i know, i don't think they have anything better to do haha :D I just hope if someone's havin a bad day the jokes cheer 'em up :D

Not positive, but I think it can be linked to Marilyn Monroe. A real hottie but somewhat of a ditz. That was a few generations before my time though, so I'm not 100% certain.

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by 54warrior
Not positive, but I think it can be linked to Marilyn Monroe. A real hottie but somewhat of a ditz. That was a few generations before my time though, so I'm not 100% certain.

I kinda thought maybe her cuz i know it's been a stereotype for as long as i can remember. Before my time also. I'm sure someone on here know's fo' sho.......

[DOHC]

your momma so poor she saw a lit cigartte on the street and said clap your hands and stomp your feet praise the lord we got heat!

your mommas so old her social security number is 1

your mommas so old her birth certifite says expired

[QuadJunkies]

I thought this was pretty funny :p
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

[pats2007450er]

i like this thrend

[54warrior]

A Cajun walks into a bar with
A pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his
mouth for one minute.

Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."


The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
alligator hard on the top of
its head.

The gator opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
spoke up..........
"I'll try it -
just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!"

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by QuadJunkies
I thought this was pretty funny :p
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925


Oh that was hilarious! I guess people are complaining about it but, i think it's cute as he** haha! I love it when she says she needs to get her drink on, i thought i'd die :D lol

[ATV Chic]

http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p313/sexyatvchic/untitled.jpg

[ATV Chic]

http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p313/sexyatvchic/untitled1.jpg

[ATV Chic]

http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p313/sexyatvchic/untitled-1.jpg

[QuadJunkies]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
Oh that was hilarious! I guess people are complaining about it but, i think it's cute as he** haha! I love it when she says she needs to get her drink on, i thought i'd die :D lol

I thought you might like that one :p lol

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by QuadJunkies
I thought you might like that one :p lol


Haha awesome Thanks! And I had you in mind when i got the above lil jokes lol I love kids :D had to post 'em. Hang in there!:macho

[ATV Chic]

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.

[54warrior]

LMFAO!!!

[ATV Chic]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES: NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. :devil:

[SGA]

How does a man with no arms and no legs cross the freeway?



The answer is:



Remove the letter F from the word "free" and remove the letter F from the word "way".

[smr]

Originally posted by SGA
How does a man with no arms and no legs cross the freeway?



The answer is:



Remove the letter F from the word "free" and remove the letter F from the word "way".

I don't get it.......:huh

[gilliam2364]

Originally posted by smr
I don't get it.......:huh


There is no F n way :devil:

[54warrior]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You screw her again"

[54warrior]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a physical relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous lovin' on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had lovin' with is:
A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. An important model to strive for.
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. GAY.

8. Foreplay is to lovin' as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you "prime the pump":
A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure you ARE a man.

* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.

* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

[ATV Chic]

^^^ haha funny but wrong! I need a smiley that shakes it's head back and forth lol:p

[ATV Chic]

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was
in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one
time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on the Leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
> > -
> > -
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[ATV Chic]

Why only women should be insured:

http://s131.photobucket.com/albums/p313/sexyatvchic/?action=view&current=women-insurance.flv

[54warrior]

Dirty Ernie was sitting in class when all of a sudden he had to go. He raised his hand waving it vigorously to get the teacher’s attention. Reluctantly she called on Ernie and asked him what the big problem was? Without hesitation he blurted out that he had to take a piss. Outbursts such as this were common place with Ernie but in an attempt to change his behavior she requested that he come to the front of the class for a quick lesson in proper language. Although everyone was aware of just what Ernie had to do the teacher said the proper word for his situation was urinate. She wanted Ernie to think about this while he was taking care of business and that when he returned to the classroom he would be able to use the word urinate in a sentence for everyone to hear. He agreed and took off for the little boy’s room. Upon his return he stood by the teacher ready for action. When she asked if he had had time to think about her request he nodded his head and without hesitation uttered his well thought out sentence for all to hear: you’re an 8 and if you had bigger tits you’d be a 10!

[ATV Chic]

^^^ haha good one :p

[54warrior]

http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2004-02-06/blondine_joke_from_real_life.jpg

[ATV Chic]

^^^ omg i just laughed so hard a lil pee came out :D

[54warrior]

Some dude posted this on another forum...



I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Pedigree in Safeway and was standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

[54warrior]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and Says. "Who in the hell is Rosie O'Donnell!!!

[ATV Chic]

^^^haha awesome! the pedigree one is a classic too :p

[54warrior]

Sunday Morning Sex
>>>
>>> Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away,
>>> Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year
old
>>> grandmother and comfort her.
>>>
>>>
>>> When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
>>> replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
>>> Sunday morning."
>>>
>>>
>>> Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were
>>> nearly 100 years old, having sex would surely be asking
>>> for trouble.
>>>
>>>
>>> "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing
our
>>> advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church
>>> bells would start to ring.
>>>
>>> It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing
too
>>> strenuous, simply in on the "Ding, and out on the Dong."
>>>
>>>
>>> She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
>>> alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[ATV Chic]

Seman sample...





>

> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part

> of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this

> jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

>

> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and

> gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

>

> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

> "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but

> nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked

> my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left,

> still nothing.

> She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth

> out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she

> tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried

> squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

>

> The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

>

> The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[ATV Chic]

Subject: FW: The fishing story

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns,dressed
quietly,made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to
hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50
mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went
back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back now with a different anticipation,and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of twenty
years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing
in that chit?"
I still don't know if she was joking..

[ATV Chic]

Why My Lips Stayed Chapped on Mother's Day:


> So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently
died.
> Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on
him
> and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day
long
> on this mat in our bathroom.
> Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years
old,
> 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves
> chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then
> losing it. Sofinally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I
keep
> my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he
needed
> to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
> Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and
> try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My
two
> boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to
nurse
> my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything
is a
> mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to
honor
> me
> and the amazing job that is motherhood.
>
> We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and
I
> am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round
the
> corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my
> chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right
into
> my
> eyes
> and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right
--
> their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack
didn't
> seem to mind.
> And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was
the
> FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
> And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds
> us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little
> creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've
been
> using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
>
> Ahhh...

[54warrior]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
> > him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had
> > sex.
> >
> > "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
> > Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
> >
> > Horrified, Jane said , "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
> > how to do it properly."
> >
> > She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
> > "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
> >
> > Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
> > stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
> >
> > Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
> > Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do
> > that for?"
> >
> > Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[ATV Chic]

CAJUN LOGIC> > >A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source > >of> his malady.> > >The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Thibideaux > >in> the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and > it's> very bad. You'd best put your affairs in order."> > > Thibideaux was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, > > he> managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the> waiting room to his son who had been waiting.Thibideaux said, "Wellson, > us Cajun's celebrate when thangs is good, and we celebrate when deydon't > be so good.. In dis case, dey ain't so good. > I got cancer. Let's head for the honky tonk and have a few dranks."> > > After 3 or 4 shots, the two were feeling a little less somber. > > There> were some laughs and more whiskey. They were eventually approached by > some> of Thibideaux's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. > > > Thibideaux told them that coonasses celebrate the good and the > > bad. He> went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He> told his friends, "Da doctor dun told me I'm dying' from AIDS."> > > His son's eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Thibideaux> raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had> planned to say.> > > The friends gave Thibideaux their condolences, and they had a couple > more> shots.> > After his friends left, his son leaned over and whispered his > confusion. "Daddy, I thought you said that you were dying from > cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"> > Thibideaux said, "I don't want any of 'em sleeping with yo mama > > after> I'm gone."

[54warrior]

Three Labrador Retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a wetter. I wet on everything-the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I wet in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet's office?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[54warrior]

Irene, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Irene's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love that George...

[54warrior]

There once was a man who went on a job interview. His resume was very impressive, and the interviewer was ready to hire the man. There was one problem.
“There is a period of five years missing from your resume. What were you doing then?" the interviewer asked. The man replied, “Oh... I was in Yale."
The interviewer was quite impressed. “That’s excellent! You're hired!"
The man exclaimed, “Yippee... I got the yob!"

[ATV Chic]

Originally posted by 54warrior
Irene, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Irene's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love that George...


:devil: lol

[54warrior]

After a long night of making love, Bob notices a photo of
another man on Jennifer's nightstand by the bed. He begins to
worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery".

[chris46250r]

Whats the difference in a woman and a battery?


The battery does have a positive side.

[smr]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says
"Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[culichi]

what was tiger doing in the bathroom??































































looking for pooh! heheheheh

[duke416ex]

Originally posted by smr
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says
"Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

Is that a true story?? j/k :D

[ATV Chic]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Skeeter and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside!"
Cooter

[ATV Chic]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly for a new bike and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . . . .


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:





Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through

Washington, DC., and those *******s deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[54warrior]

This, to me, is one of the funniest ones I've heard in quite some time... For some reason a got a real chuckle out of it...

State of the Art Watch

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.
The
lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and
replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Dang thing's an hour fast."

[ATV Chic]

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.

The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."

The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.

That night, the kid says "Good-
night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.

The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."

The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.

At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"

[ATV Chic]

A first-grade teacher
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

[xrjamie]

Originally posted by 440bigborekit
heres a nasty one so dont get mad haha

theres a boy with his mom and dad walkin in a zoo

he sees two monkeys havin sex and asked his parents what there doin

the mom says dont worry hunny there jus makin cakes

they keep walkin and he sees two ppl havi sex on the park bench

he again asks what there doing

the mom again says dont worry there just makin cakes

so then they go home and the next morning at breakfest

the boy asks his mom if she had fun makin cakes with dad last nite

she replied " how'd you know? "

the boy says " i liked the iceing off the couch "

god man thats gross lol

[ATV Chic]

Perception VS Reality



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.



My wife asked, "Do you know her?"



Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?"



So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

[ATV Chic]

Rye Bread > > > > Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench> one morning.> > The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short> of breath.> > The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what> he did to have so much energy.> > The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your> energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."> > So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was> looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you> have any rye bread?"> > She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"> > He said, "I want 5 loaves."> > She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,> it'll be hard."> > He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about> this **** but me."

[ATV Chic]

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
< /SPAN>
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news."

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

"Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[smr]

Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[smr]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie waiting for the movie to start ?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

[smr]

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."

[smr]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde.
"I just received a horrible call from my sister.Her mother died, too."

[ATV Chic]

^^^^bahahahaha the last one is too damn funny :p

[zack221]

ADULT








A young boy asked his mother when you die which body part goes to heaven first? She looked at him and said why do you ask that? The young boy said when I walked by your room the other night I opened the door and you had your legs straight up and you were saying "O Jesus Im Comming"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ATV Chic]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A
LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE
LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO
HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON
THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE
OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS
DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE. I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A
LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

[ATV Chic]

This needs to be sent to all Grandpas. All Grandpas, heed this WARNING: Do not lose your grand kids in the mall A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied... "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

[ATV Chic]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming.
As she ran down the hall, an older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. Then the older doctor marched down the hallway to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven
grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

Without looking up from his writing the younger doctor asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[ATV Chic]

Short but sweet.....



Subject: Breakfast in Paris>


An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing

bubble-gum,
sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we

only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.." The

Frenchman
has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: ( cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and

chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put

all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform

them
into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex

in
France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used

them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle


them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

[ZeroLogic]

Originally posted by smr
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

I'm a carpenter that just got home from work, thats too damn funny.:D

[54warrior]

A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex
therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When
the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, charges them $50, and wishes them good
luck as they say goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex
therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor,
then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says,
"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go
to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges
$139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[pats2007450er]

thats some funny shlt 54warrior and sexyatvchic

[54warrior]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a stop light while not really paying attention.

Anyway the fellow who was driving got out...

And he was a dwarf .

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well which one are you then ?

[smr]

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One

day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to

sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get

the farmer.

Off the chicken ran looking for help, but realized the farmer had gone

to town on the tractor. Running around, the chicken see's the farmer's

new Harley. Finds the keys in the ignition. The chicken speeds off with

rope hoping he still has time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was happy to see the chicken arrive on a

shiny Harley. Chicken ties one end of rope to the back of the Harley and

tosses the other end to his buddy. The horse manages to get a hold of

the rope. The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the

powerful bike, rescued the horse.

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and

the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between

the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to

sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a

moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath,

he told the chicken to grab his "hangy-down thing", and he would then

lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse

pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story? (Yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)



When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up a

chick!

[416exfreak]

^^^^^ NIICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:blah: :macho

[ATV Chic]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out , a
drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
"You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
I
was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six
items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections
that
could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity
getting
the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk
replied,
"Cause you're ugly."

[whiteEX]

these are hillarious

[ATV Chic]

The final test for priests





Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his ****, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up....

And all the other bells started to ring.

[MR.BIG]

I didnt' read all of the jokes so hopefully this one wasn't used yet!
What is white and comes in little black cans?


















Michael Jackson!:p

[DVXracer]

Okay so this guy got a new job in a new town, on his luch break he goes to the local pub and asks for a light beer, the bar tender hands him a miller lite, he drinks it and later at home he blows chunks.

The next day on his lunch break he goes to the same pub and askes for a light beer, the man hands him a miller lite, he says got anything different ? The man says sure and hands him a bud lite, later on when he goes home he blows chunks.

The next day, he goes back to the very same pub and asks the man for a light beer, the man hands him a Bud lite, he asks the man if he has anything different, The man says well, is there a problem? and the man says yes when i go home i blow chunks. The bar tender says well, thats what happens when you drink. The man says No, chunks is my dog.


:devil:

[ATV Chic]

hahaha eeeeewwwwwwwww that ain't right :ermm:

[DVXracer]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
hahaha eeeeewwwwwwwww that ain't right :ermm:

hahahahaha

[54warrior]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong....."

[krt400ex]

Originally posted by 54warrior
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.
Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong....."

hahahahahaha, lmfao. that is pretty damn good dude

[ATV Chic]

Mexican eggs..---- Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast
Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask
him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he
agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into
the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on
his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The
good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
jokingly-- "Mexican eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe
this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly
shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate
backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what
emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon
with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they have
managed to steal a motorbike already".

[ATV Chic]

PAN HANDLING WORKS IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT SIGN.



Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6
kids to support"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads:

"I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

[suzukigirl]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST
>
> George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when
> his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
>she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
>turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
>things.
>
> He phoned t he police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' And
> he said, 'no'.
>
> Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
>lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,
>'Okay', hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
>
> 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
>stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
>because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
>
> Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and
> an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the
> burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought
>you said that you'd shot them!'
>
> George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
>

[ATV Chic]

^^^ haha love that, it's a classic lol :devil:

[54warrior]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a littleperch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You
actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.""Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse withreasonable competence on almost anytopic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."What are you talking about?" asks the guy."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at thedoor in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and
lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his kneesand began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off
my perch!"

[54warrior]

This thread needed resurrected!!!

Subject: Doctor's Office


This is so true!
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong
and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this and I love the way this old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. '

And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??' she asks.

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Moral of the story...
Mess with 'seniors' and you're gonna lose!

[ATV Chic]

I agree 54, thanks for the ressurection!

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many
customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he
said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for
his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go
fishin'.

[ATV Chic]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases
>>it
>>over onto the shoulder of the road.
>>
>>She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out
>>two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
>>vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
>>
>>The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
>>bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became
>>snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
>>
>>The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
>>vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
>>
>>"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
>>
>>"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
>>by the road?!" asks the Officer.
>>
>>"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[yamaha250f]

lol funny stuff

[Quad18star]

Originally posted by sexyatvchic
I agree 54, thanks for the ressurection!

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many
customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he
said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for
his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go
fishin'.

ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!

Now that is by far one of the funniest jokes I've ever read. CLASSIC !!!

[54warrior]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast
of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won
the prize for the best toast of the night!"


She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once
he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make
him come."

[ATV Chic]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

[smr]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
> > > >> So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
> > > >> there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the
> > > >> number.
> > > >>
> > > >> The bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The
> > > >> bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got
> > > >> a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit
> > > >> bull dog.
> > > >>
> > > >> "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
> > > >>
> > > >> "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and
> > > >> then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off
> > > >> the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
> > > >> off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
> > > >> not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for
> > > >> me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
> > > >>
> > > >> He hands the shotgun to the homeown er.
> > > >>
> > > >> "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
> > > >>
> > > >> "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
> > > >

[smr]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and
> >the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a
>Marine
> >sat down in the aisle seat.
> >
> >After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
> >was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get
> >up and get a coke."
> >
> >"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it
>for you."
> >
> >As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
> >spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab
> >said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
> >
> >Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
> >
> >While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
> >spat in it.
> >
> >When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
> >As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
> >and knew immediately what had happened.
> >
> >"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go
> >on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This
>animosity?
> >
> >This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
> >.......
> >
> >THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN!
> >

[krt400ex]

alright, i dont have any written jokes, but there is a video on youtube i saw and it is friggin hularious...so here it is

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UqN_futF6oA"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UqN_futF6oA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

[ATV Chic]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope does."

[ATV Chic]

> An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of
> his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to
> be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
> there was anything wrong.
>
> "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private
> Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her
> patients were forgetful and sometimes a little
> crazy, she replied, "oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.
> Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
>
>
> The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking?down
> the hall with his private part hanging out of his
> pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy "Mr.??Goldstein,"
> she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
> like that Please put your Private Part back inside
> your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr.
> Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my?Private
> Part died."
>
> "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
> out of your pajamas?"
>
> "Well, Mr. Goldstein replied, "Today's the viewing."

[07250ex]

Originally posted by smr
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

I really don't get that you can use any nail on any side of a building?

[smr]

Originally posted by 07250ex
I really don't get that you can use any nail on any side of a building?


:eek2: ....:D ....:huh ....I hope you are joking.

[07250ex]

i mean obviouslly theres indoor and outdoor nails but just flip it around...

[ZSK]

Thank you captain obvious what would we do without you.

[suzukigirl]

rotflmao :p

[416exfreak]

Originally posted by 07250ex
I really don't get that you can use any nail on any side of a building?

You killed the joke...:(

[54warrior]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[smr]

/\/\/\/\ Love it....lmao

[54warrior]

Billy Bob and the Beauty Parlor

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to manhood.
The madam says, "Bubba, you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure too."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the Madam on the town's main street.

Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, ma'am," the he stammers. "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

[Raptor68]

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy hushes him quickly and whispers:

'Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, speak Spanish

[Raptor68]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a Friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once Over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's Fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[ATV Chic]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a rather attractive blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her. So he asks her, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God!! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?!?!"

She calmly looks into his eyes and says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher..."

[ATV Chic]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."


Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[ATV Chic]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I
don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I
won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with
my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

[ATV Chic]

Speghetti


> A wealthy man had an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, they agree that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to
Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how she would let him know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card
today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife
handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white and collapsed. On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread..."

[ATV Chic]

AN OLD COWHAND:

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[elite ATV1]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into
the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.
That's why she cuts the grass."

[Raptor68]

A filthy rich Mississippi man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its @SS! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then
slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumb!tch who pushed me in the pool!”

[Raptor68]

Best Joke of the year...

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

[Raptor68]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton and Rosie O'Donnell. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

[ATV Chic]

Butt Measurements
>>>
>>>
>>> A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
>>> man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I
>>> mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
>>> grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
>>> wife's bottom.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the
>>> barbecue!!!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed,
>>> the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards
>>> his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
>>> ...........
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this
>>> big-*** grill for one little weenie?

[250r4life]

Originally posted by Raptor68
Best Joke of the year...

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

best joke of the year? are you kidding me- thats not funny at all... its disturbing... its people who laugh about this and dont let it bother them is why we are going to continue to bury our own grave for people who shouldnt be here in the 1st place... we're destroying the best nation on earth

[54warrior]

Three third graders from Tennessee , an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then, during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one".

[Raptor68]

Originally posted by 250r4life
best joke of the year? are you kidding me- thats not funny at all... its disturbing... its people who laugh about this and dont let it bother them is why we are going to continue to bury our own grave for people who shouldnt be here in the 1st place... we're destroying the best nation on earth

Dude, calm down...it was a joke. :rolleyes:

[ATV Chic]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money

[54warrior]

http://www.musclecars.faketrix.com/content/joke-pics/page2/original-files/blonde-drivers.jpg

[250r4life]

Originally posted by Raptor68
Dude, calm down...it was a joke. :rolleyes:

yah but that passive attitude is a big part of the problem... it doesnt bother people like it should...

[416exfreak]

Originally posted by 250r4life
yah but that passive attitude is a big part of the problem... it doesnt bother people like it should...

Dude...this thread was made for some laughs....your killing the fun atmosphere...

We realize that immigration is a problem, but theres another thread for that.....;)

[ZeroLogic]

I thought it was a real funny joke.:p

[54warrior]

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years.


He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the
road, and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
pits, and he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the
pond.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over,as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women
had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and
were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming
out until you leave!" The old man frowned and yelled back, "I didn't
come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

[ATV Chic]

Divorce and Pepsi

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem.



The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of
them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his
side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a
Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"


Don't laugh, he won!

[ZSK]

A blonde walks into a bar 15 stories up and meets a man drinking a beer.

She ask "What are you drinking?"

"Magic beer." The man replies.

"Magic beer?" She ponders.

"Yea, watch." The man runs to the window jumps out and flies around the building two times then sits back down.

Astounded the woman ask "Is there anymore left?"

The man hands her the rest of his beer. She chugs it, runs toward the window, jumps out, and plummets 15 stories down killing her on impact.

The bartender walks over to the man shaking his head. Pours the man another beer and says "Your such an ******* when your drunk, Superman."

[ATV Chic]

Texas Highway Patrol Exam



Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops,huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture,and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities
such as Scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde
and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!

You'r dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo
in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you?

Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde
and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . .
" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying,"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did.

This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!

His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!

With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[ATV Chic]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks
St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripe? St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said, 'You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.
You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God
would have said, "You is what you is".

[Raptor68]

^^^^^ lmao, that's great!

[ATV Chic]

> > Love a Nurse > > > >

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might have had a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair was three wide strips of adhesivetape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

> > "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[ZeroLogic]

Ow!:chinese:

[54warrior]

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"