got any good jokes?

[416exfreak]

any jokes will do, try to lay off thr racist stuff,(as long as your not talking about white folks):D

just kiddn, not any racist joke on my thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:grr:

[pastfast125]

so there was this black dude.....






































:D , sry, couldn't help it.

[Mxjunkie]

Thats racist saying only white stuff!

[fasterblaster09]

this guy walks in a pet store,looking for a pet.he sees this parrot with no legs,he holds on with his p*nis.well he bought the parrot cause he was so smart. the parrot would tell him everything that would happen while he was gone for work.one day he got home and the parrot siad the guys wife was cheating on him.the bird said the mailman came in and the wife welcomed him in in a sweet lengerie.then he says she starts kissing him ,the guy tells the parrot to go on.the parrot says the wife takes off her lingerir,they guy tells the parrot "what next?" the parrot says "ill be damned if i know i caught a hard on and fell off my perch!"

[MAaudioX10]

Whats the best thing about twenty nine year old??

[miller821]

Originally posted by MAaudioX10
Whats the best thing about twenty nine year old??

dunno what?

[derekhonda]

Originally posted by MAaudioX10
Whats the best thing about twenty nine year old??

Isn't that joke followed by:


"There is 20 of them"



-Gross dude....

[MAaudioX10]

Originally posted by MAaudioX10
Whats the best thing about twenty nine year old??

There's 20 of them.

[MAaudioX10]

AHH....I was beat to it.....

I know it is crude but, I heard that tonight for the first time and laughed my *** off....

[Camaroguy87132]

Originally posted by MAaudioX10
There's 20 of them. michael jacksons favorite thing

[Camaroguy87132]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

[Camaroguy87132]

TITLED=IF SANTA COULD WRITE BACK

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend,
JaKe

Dear Jake,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this but, for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
_
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most of my time making low-budget films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the butts of ****tail girls while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
_

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just that blonde?
Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I really really! want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why you're getting beat up
at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

[416exfreak]

nice

[mxdad]

How can you tell you are at a gay picnic?















































The Hot Dogs taste like $ h i t

[underpowered]

Originally posted by Camaroguy87132
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body...........

hey, wonder where you got that from?:rolleyes: two can do that

A woman takes a lover home during the day while
her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here.
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
"The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is
way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again you're in my closet now."

[Atkins]

Woah, I liked the twist at the end, Underpowered!:devil:

[redracing88]

omg that last one was funny





ok its an oldie but a goodie!


its a rainy day and this bum is sittin on the street. this pimpish looking fella comes up and stands by the corner next to him. well this bum is paying attention to the guy and is noticing whenever a good looking girl comes by he would say "tickle your a** with a feather?" the girl would be like whaattt diiidd yoouuu say?!?!?. the pimpish guys say "typical rainy weather". the lady says ohh ohh and walks away. well he does this about 3 more times to different ladies. always the same reply. the bum is kinda wondering what the heck is this guy doing?!? well this real hot chick comes walking up and he says "tickle your a** with a feather?" she says sure big boy and the 2 walk off! well this bum is thinkin hey this should work fer me. so the next ladie he sees he says 'shove a feather up your a**" the ladie is like whatt?!?!?! the bum goes fu*k of a rainy day isnt it?

[redracing88]

not racist!!!

this black guy is loaded so he decideds he gonna spend all his money on a great big wheel of cheese. well he has no way to get it how so he decides he gonna roll it. well he has to push it up this great big hill and once he gets to the top he sits down to have a rest. welll at the bottom of the other side a poor guy is wondering how he is gonna feed his family. well in the mean time this great big wheel of cheese starts rolling down the hill. and this poor guy sees it coming and get right behind it and rolls it right into his house! well the poor guys wife is askin whered you get this?!? he says it must be a gift from god! well the wife goes what kind of cheese is it? he said i think its nacho cheese. the wife goes nacho cheese? he said yeh. the wife says "well how do you know that?" he said well there was this black guy running behind it yelling "THATS NACHYOOO CHEESE!!":D :D :D

whats the differnce between a horny chick and a rooster???

[440bigborekit]

^????




heres one-

there was a boy with his mom and dad walking through the park one day and the boy spots two monkeys having sex so he asks his parents what they were doing and they replyed " dont worry there making cupcakes" the boy said ok
they keep walking and the boy spots two people having sex on the park bench and again asks what are they doing the parents again replyed " dont worry there making cupcakes" he said ok and they kept walking
so now there at home a day later and the boy goes into the kitchen and asks his mom " where you and daddy making cupcakes last night??" she says yes how do you know ..the boy said becuase i licked the frosting off the couch...

[redracing88]

i know the hory chick and rooster

the chick says any cockledoo
rooster says cockadoodledoo! :D

[Camaroguy87132]

DAMN underpowered i was hoping you wouldnt see that but o well

[zeppelin]

oh shiza here it goes

chuck norris is 1/8 cherokee, this has nothing to do with his ancestors, the man ate a f*cking indian

chuck norris has counted to infinty. twice.

chuck norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

chuck norris can win a game of connect 4, in 3 moves

chuck norris doesnt tea bag women he potatoe sacks them

when god said let there be light, chuck norris said say please

how much wood, could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck norris

chuck norris doesnt sleep, he waits

chuck norris uses a night light, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of chuck norris

chuck norris doesnt beieve in germany

chuck norris has tears that can cure cancer, too bad he has never cried. ever.

chuck norris isnt hung like a horse, horses are hung like chuck norris.

the only thing chuck ever eats is beef jerky, which makes him crap out gun powder, which he uses to make bullets, which he uses to kill cows, which he uses to make more beef jerky. this is known as the circle of life

chuck once ate three 72oz steaks in one hour, the first 45 minutes of wich he spent having sex with his watress.

the quickiest way to a mans heart is chucks fist.


ive got even more if any one wants em

[Googs]

A grandfather (GF) and grandson (GS) are out fishing. The grandfather opens up a beer:

GS- Grandfather can I have one of those?
GF- Does your d**k reach your a**hole?
GS- No.
GF- Then no you can't.

A little while passes and the grandfather lights up a stoogie:

GS- Grandfather can I have one of those?
GF- Does your d**k reach your a**hole?
GS- No.
GF- Then no you can't.

So a little while longer passes and the grandson busts out with a bag of goodies (cookies, brownies, candy, so forth):

GF- Grandson can I have some of those?
GS- Does your d**k reach your a**hole?
GF- Yes it does!
GS- Well go f*** yourself! Grandma made these for me!

[Bender]

Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegtables?

A: Getting them out of their wheel chairs.

[MR.BIG]

What's white and comes in litttle black cans?

Michael jackson

[DaleJrFan]

good ones!

[PunkA$$]

I've posted this before but it's pretty funny......


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

[underpowered]

To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this email, is
in his mid 40's about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is
quite an intelligent person.

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something
akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see
this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.



Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something
really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,

pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then
you're truly missing out - way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.



There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than ¾ inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is
almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head ****ed to one side
as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?)

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It
is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact,

even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front
door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with
my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was
standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you
ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution.
There is no such thing as a one-second burst

when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs ¼" deep in your thigh like
yours
truly.)

SON-OF-A-BISQUIT-EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think
they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large. Miss 'em
......sure would like to get 'em back.

[underpowered]

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a Department Of Public Safety Trooper (DPS). The cop walks up and taps nightstick on the window. The driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that *** hole would've tried that ***** with me!"

[underpowered]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ........"

He sighed................

"Now let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[underpowered]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Tony says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking."

[Camaroguy87132]

Originally posted by underpowered
Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a Department Of Public Safety Trooper (DPS). The cop walks up and taps nightstick on the window. The driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that *** hole would've tried that ***** with me!" hmm wonder where ya got that from :bandit:

[underpowered]

Originally posted by Camaroguy87132
hmm wonder where ya got that from :bandit:

the same place i got the rest of em:D

[derekhonda]

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[DaleJrFan]

poor chuck, he just wanted to ----!

[DaleJrFan]

you can go to maxim's website and there is a ton of jokes on there. half the ones' posted on here are also on there.

[DaleJrFan]

ebaumsworld.com is another good site w/jokes. crazy pictures on there too.

[wvspeedfreak]

These 3 mice were in a bar talking to each other about how tough they were.The first mouse downed a shot of whiskey and turned to the other 2 mice and said "I was walking throught the house this morning and came upon a mouse trap.I pulled the cheese out of it and caught the bar as it snapped down and did 20 push-ups with it then went on my way."
The second mouse said "Hell,that's nothing.When I am going through the house and come up on rat poison,I grind it up,sprinkle it in my coffee and it barely gives me a good buzz."
The third mouse finished his drink,turned to the other two and said "Fellas,I don't have time for these stories,I have to get home and screw the cat".

:D

:( I have so many racist jokes, but I cant say them in here:scary:

[miller821]

Originally posted by nofearrider1
:( I have so many racist jokes, but I cant say them in here:scary:
Same i got a good one to

[ZeroLogic]

Want to Pm me them?:)

[Jakeyracer]

these 2 gays are doing it in a shower and the phone rings, so the guy giving it leaves and gets the phone, and when he comes back there is cum ALL OVER THE SHOWER, the gay that got the phone asks did you finish without me:huh , the gay in the shower says no i farted

Originally posted by Jakeyracer
these 2 gays are doing it in a shower and the phone rings, so the guy giving it leaves and gets the phone, and when he comes back there is cum ALL OVER THE SHOWER, the gay that got the phone asks did you finish without me:huh , the gay in the shower says no i farted That just made me throw up a little.

Originally posted by Camaroguy87132
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[redracing88]

bump b/c i think ppl can come up with more :D

[underpowered]

more you say, i might have a few

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

[quaddy87]

Haha nice one!!

Who gets out of a burning house faster, a queer guy or straight guy?














the queer guy cuz he already has all of his **** packed!

[underpowered]

Everyone has seen the "It's a Jeep thing...you wouldn't understand" Stickers right?

Well I was driving around the other day and I saw a real nice OBS short bed reg cab silvey 4x4. It was lifted about 4" and you could tell that this guy did some real world wheelin'. This was not a show truck, had freash mud, trail rash and all.

Anyway, He had a sticker on the back of his window...

"I got your Jeep thing... Now it burns when I Pee."

[underpowered]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do keep 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and finally said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Gennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill replied, "Well whenever the box filled up with cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

[redracing88]

little johnny hes a real bad boy. well he sittin in the back of class and the teacher is going through the alpehpet. well the teach says give me a word for A. right away johnny i is flingin his arms "pick me pick me" welll the teacher says ok johnny. well he blurts out A**hole. the teachers mad but moves on. well they get to B. right away johnny agian rasies his hnad and sure unough the teacher calls on him. johnny yells "Bicht*" well the teacher had enough. so there going through and she gets to the letter U. johnnys in the back" pick me pick me" well the teacher thinks theres nothing bad thats starts with U! so she says ok johnny. johnny says URINATE. she goes very good can you use that in a sentence? he says sure "URINATE but i bet if you had bigger tits youd be a ten!" :D

[redracing88]

bump theres gotta be even more!!!

i dont know the first half of it but heres what i do know

the teacher asked little johnny to use fastinate in a sentance. he said "my sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she could only FASTINATE"

[ShiftFMX]

*DIRTY JOKE*

There Were 3 ants, they were on a camp ground and night was beginning to fall and they needed a place to sleep. They saw a tent and decided to go into it. There was a woman in there so they went on her body and split up to find their own warm places to sleep. One slept in her ear, one slept in her hair and the other in her "downstairs." They regrouped in the morning and asked each other how their nights were. The one that slept in the hair says, "I had a Great Night, I had all the cushion I needed!" The one that slept in the ear goes, "I had a Great night, I had all the caramel I could eat!" The one that slept in her "downstairs" said, "Man, I had a horrible night...This bald guy kept pushing me, so I slapped him, and he SPIT ON ME!"

[Camaroguy87132]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,

"Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

[Camaroguy87132]

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

THIS IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY FAVORITE JOKE EVER!!!


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

Originally posted by 400exXx
THIS IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY FAVORITE JOKE EVER!!!


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam." BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

[WheelieMan4]

what's a 10 letter word that starts with gas?








































AUTOMOBILE

haha:D

[WheelieMan4]

*kinda dirty in a way*

What has green fingers that smell like pork?

























Kermet the Frog....;)

[Alberta_Qaudin]

we need to keep these coming its been my coffee break entertainment

[416exfreak]

Originally posted by Jakeyracer
these 2 gays are doing it in a shower and the phone rings, so the guy giving it leaves and gets the phone, and when he comes back there is cum ALL OVER THE SHOWER, the gay that got the phone asks did you finish without me:huh , the gay in the shower says no i farted

dude........fu**in sick man, fu**in sick:eek:

[416exfreak]

Originally posted by 400exXx
THIS IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY FAVORITE JOKE EVER!!!


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

can u say" im rich bi*tch"!

[tt racer]

Not racist but anyone will laugh at this. There was 2 queers and they found a jeanie bottle. They rubbed it and the jeanie came out and said you each get a wish but they must be kept silent to come true. So they made their wishes and went to bed later that night. They were asleep and all of a sudden they were snatched out of bed and hung from a tree, the one queer says to another holy ***** what did you wish for? I wished we were hung like ni&&ers!:D

[redracing88]

bump

[OutCast]

"Strange But True"

Here's a little part of US history which makes you go hmmmmm.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Both Presidents were shot by southerners.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Both successors were southerners.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

And...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[OutCast]

A young guy bought himself a shiny new motorcycle covered with nickel and bright chrome. He asked the salesman, ‘what can I do to protect it from rust?’ the salesman replied ‘when it starts to rain, immediately put petroleum jelly on all the shiny parts’.
Soon after, his girlfriend invited him for a big family gathering at her parent’s house. On the day of the event, he parked his new motorcycle outside and went in to see that there were over 80 guests at the table. The girl’s father explained to him that ‘in our house, there is a custom; the one who says the first word after the food has to wash all the dishes.’ The moment everyone finished eating, there was complete silence. For two hours no one said a word. Finally, the boy had enough; he moved some dishes
aside, laid his girlfriend on the table and banged her in front of everyone. No one said a word. Another half hour passes, the boy takes the girl’s mother and does the same thing to her. Again, no one dares to speak. Suddenly it begins to rain so the boy pulls out the petroleum jelly out of his pocket. Seeing that, the girl’s father said: ‘you won, I’ll do the dishes’.

[underpowered]

By far the best blond joke ever. If you dont get it, it is also a joke about you.
http://www.pittspeed.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22201

[416exfreak]

what do u get when u cross a retard and a gangster?

an idiot that tries to spraypaint chainlink fences


:D

[redracing88]

mad nice:D

[Mechanix311]

The new cereal that came out. PROSTITOOTIES

They dont snap, crackle, and pop, they just lay down and bang

[Mechanix311]

Their is this guy and he just went through a ugly divorce. Anyway like usual the x wife got everything, the house, the boat, the car, etc... The man a few days later finds a bottle and a genie comes out and says i will give you three wishes but you must know that whatever you wish for your x wife will get twice what you get. So the first wish the man makes is he wants a new mercedes. Instantly he gets a new mercedes. He drives by his x wifes house and there are two new mercedes in here driveway. Darn the genie was right he said with a sigh. So the next thing he dreams for is a new home. instantly he gets a new house and what do you know his wife gets two new houses. So now he is really pissed off. The genie then asks him what his final wish is. The man takes a minute to think about it and says excitedely. I want you to beat me half to death.

[Mechanix311]

Bump. their has got to be more

[Cr85rRida]

the pope is coming to visit one of the catholic churches. The head cardinal wants to impress the pope so he tells the lead nun to paint all the walls white. The nun says "ok".

So the nun gathers the other nun's and there about to paint the walls but the realize they could get paint on there black out fits. So they deside to take there clothes off and paint naked since there the only ones there.

Theres a knock at the door, all the nun's start to panic "what are we gunna do". The head nun says "who is it" the man replies,"Its the blind man". The nun's again panic but the head nun says "relax, it the blind man he is blind he wont know where naked, let him in". So the nuns open the door and the man walks in and says

"Hey nice tits, now where do you want these blinds?"

[Cr85rRida]

what did the hurrican say to the palm tree?







"Hang on to your nuts,this aint no regular blowjob"

[Cr85rRida]

how do you get a gay guy to sit on a stool?



turn it upside down

[Cr85rRida]

theres these 3 guys in a plane that is about to crash. a genie pops up and says you need to jump out of the plane and scream what you want and you will land safley in it.

The first guy jumps out and screams "MONEY!" he lands in a pile of money.

The second guy jumps out and screams "hot women!" he lands in a pile of hot women.

the third guy is about to jump out of the plane tripas and screams "S H I T!"

[Cr85rRida]

THeres these 3 guys sitting at a gay bar.

The first guy farts realllllllly loud.

The second guy farts even louder!

The third guy goes to fart and is a little "plip"

the 2 other guys look at him "*sigh* virgin"

[Cr85rRida]

Theres these two polish hunters hunting. They come across some track and the one polish guy says" aa these are deer tracks!"
The second one says"no no my friend, these are bear tracks"

All of a sudden they both die.





they were rail road tracks. No harm intended to our polish riders!

[416exfreak]

one day a little boy gets lost at a mall and finds a security officer.

he tells the security officer hes lost his grandpa, and the security officer asks the little boy "whats he like"?

to this the little boy replies,
" jack daniels and women with big boobs "

[416exfreak]

one day a little boy comes home early from school, to find is mm in bed with another man, so he hides in the closet to watch, suddenly his dad shows up to, adnhis mom hides her lover in the closet too, not knowing her son was in it already.

the little, boy says to the guy" its dark inhere"
the guy says"yup, sure is". the little boy says" i gotta baseball, you wanna buy it"?. the guy says nop thanks and the little boy reminds him that his dad is right outside, the man says"how much"? the boy says"$250", the man buys it from him

over the next few weeks it hapens again and the litle boy sells his glove to the guy for $750, repeating the same lines as above.

one day the boys father says to the boy"get your glove and ball and we'll go play catch". the little boy informs his father that he sold his ball and glove for $1000.

his dad says"its terrible to over charge your friends like that, im taking you to confession, and sure enough he does take him to confession.

the little boy goes in the confession booth and says" its dark in here", to this the priest replies" dnt you start that sh*t again boy, your in my closet now"!:devil:

[94F450SD]

after the hail storm was done the blonde went to her car and found a ton of little dents all overit from the hail.

she took the car to the body shop to get it fixed.the body man told her that if she blew into thetailpie the dents would pop out.

she went home and started blowing in the tail pipe.so she kept blowing and nothing happened.

while she was trying to catch her breath her room mate wich is also blonde came.she asked "what are you doing?"the first blonde said"the body shop said if i blow in the tailpipe the dents will pop out.ive been here an hour and nothings happened."

the second blonde looks at the car and said"duh,its not gonna work with the windows down!"

[416exfreak]

hey underpowered, i didnt mean to repost your joke, sorry about that, no hard feelins:)

[tar]

if i have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey eats the legs off my rooster what do you have?





















two feet of my cock in your ***!

[tar]

hey i heard u got robbed last night and the guy told you to suck his dick or he would kill you well..........

i see your still alive

[tar]

what happens when two lesbians have there period




they finger paint

[ShiftFMX]

How do you confuse and archeilogist


























Get a used tampon and ask him what period it came from :chinese:

[dunny_mark]

What do you call a midget with forty pound balls?









Half Nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[reichart90]

what does 85-year old PU$$y taste like?

































DEPENDZ

[reichart90]

What the best thing about having sex with a 7 year old?















The sound of her pelvis cracking












Whats the next best thing?












When you get the pictures back, it makes ur D1ck look really big.

[reichart90]

What the worst thing about having sex with a 7 year old?













cleaning the blood off ur clown suit.











Whats the best thing about taking a shower with a 10 year old girl?










you can slick her hair back and make her look like an 8 year old boy

[reichart90]

yeah i know i'm going to hell

http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d170/reichart90/1e6bd2f9.jpg

[trick250r]

a woman's husband is at work while her lover comes over to have sex. after about 20 mins or so, theres a knock at the door. "oh ****", says the woman, "thats my husband coming home from work". so she tells her lover to hide in a closet in her room. when the lover sits down, he notices that the closet is full of her worn bra's. the woman runs to the door to find her next lover. after a sigh of relief, they begin to **** like rabbits when another knock is heard at the door. "hurry up and get in here" exclaims the woman, its probably my husband coming home from work!" when the lover sits down in the next closet, he notices that it is full of her unwashed panties. so once again the woman goes to the door to find her other lover. they make their way back to her room and proceed to have sex, when once again, someone knocks on the door. "holy ****, this HAS to be my husband, hurry up and get in here!" when the lover sits down he notices a bunch of dirty tampons. this time it was indeed her husband. "honey, ive got great news, we're going to the bahama's for 3 weeks!" after 3 weeks of vacation, the woman remembers about the three lovers in her closets. the first closet only holds her dirty bra's and a dead lover. she finds the next closet to only have her dirty panties along with another dead lover. expecting the worst, she opens the third closet and, miracously finds the lover to be alive! "how did you survive for 3 weeks in there?" "its okay," says the lover with a smile, "i just ate all of these jelly donughts!" :devil: