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View Full Version : The funniest Chuck Norris joke I've ever read



Guy400
01-04-2006, 05:03 PM
I hope this isn't a repost...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed
by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked
15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck
Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for
a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

derekhonda
01-04-2006, 05:10 PM
Yeah, those are amazing....

SGA
01-04-2006, 05:11 PM
That was posted here awhile back but dam thats funny stuff! Best laugh ive had in weeks!:D

nosliw
01-04-2006, 05:14 PM
i was sitting around and made up this one-

chuck norris supports gay marraige. not because he feels the need of every american to express themselves, it's because it's easier to kill two men if they are holding hands.

ZeroLogic
01-04-2006, 05:19 PM
I would so do Chuck Norris.:)

kicken250x
01-04-2006, 05:23 PM
hahaha thats the best thing ive ever seen


GO CHUCK!

400exc
01-04-2006, 05:24 PM
ZeroLogic I would so do Chuck Norris.


What?:huh

400exc
01-04-2006, 05:27 PM
another one i thought was funny was

" there are 2 kindas of people in the world: People who suck and Chuck Norris"

SGA
01-04-2006, 05:28 PM
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris cloned himself just to see if he could kick his own ***. The result was the second ice age.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas on the 25th.

Pappy
01-04-2006, 05:30 PM
LMAO!

SGA
01-04-2006, 05:32 PM
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris was the 5th face on Mount Rushmore, but when the artist got his nose wrong, Norris roundhouse kicked it off the mountain.

The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages

Chuck Norris kicked Michael Jackson in the chest so hard that Janet Jackson's tit popped out of her jacket.

MOFO
01-04-2006, 05:51 PM
Hmmmmm.... I swear I work with Chuck Norris in our office. ;)

SGA
01-04-2006, 05:53 PM
Originally posted by MOFO
Hmmmmm.... I swear I work with Chuck Norris in our office. ;)
Couldnt be, he would have roundhoused you by now:D

Pappy
01-04-2006, 05:54 PM
Originally posted by MOFO
Hmmmmm.... I swear I work with Chuck Norris in our office. ;)

believe it or not, my wifes uncle is chuck norris:eek:

MOFO
01-04-2006, 05:54 PM
Originally posted by SGA
Couldnt be, he would have roundhoused you by now:D

I'm tellin ya.... I really think I do. He's a Browns fan too... :confused:

I think Guy can confirm this. :D

Guy400
01-04-2006, 05:59 PM
I can confirm that Chuck Norris really does work with Eric. He used to work out of my office for a few years and then moved.

user101
01-04-2006, 06:01 PM
Originally posted by Pappy
believe it or not, my wifes uncle is chuck norris:eek:

the texas ranger or the security guard at walm-mart?

01-04-2006, 06:03 PM
I am Chuck Norris.

N2O
01-04-2006, 06:10 PM
Originally posted by nofearrider1
I am Chuck Norris. You will be roundhouse kicked in the face by the real Chuck Norris for speaking that blasphemy.

Pappy
01-04-2006, 06:29 PM
Originally posted by user101
the texas ranger or the security guard at walm-mart?

head service writer at a Sears

chuck norris is all knowing and can preform car repair also. dont like his prices? roundhouse to the chin:devil:

Honda TRX250ex
01-04-2006, 06:49 PM
rofl:D

01-04-2006, 06:50 PM
Originally posted by N2O
You will be roundhouse kicked in the face by the real Chuck Norris for speaking that blasphemy.

I'll roundhouse kick you in the face...

http://img276.echo.cx/img276/1461/wtr2zx.gif

BlasterEaten250
01-04-2006, 07:01 PM
Chuck Norris is going to round house kick all of you for talking about him:chinese:

bluebaron
01-04-2006, 07:31 PM
I have never understood the whole chuck norris things. I just can't find it comical.

Rip_Tear
01-04-2006, 07:47 PM
Booya! to Chuck Norris!

Rules:
1. Chuck Norris is afraid of no one
2. Chuck Norris is only afraid of Chuck Norris
3. Refer to rule 1.

Warnerade
01-04-2006, 08:32 PM
chuck norris is the only man alive who has touched mc hammer.

TheFontMaster
01-04-2006, 08:52 PM
Originally posted by bluebaron
I have never understood the whole chuck norris things. I just can't find it comical.


I don't get it ether, but the jokes are funny as hell.

zforcefx
01-04-2006, 09:02 PM
HAHA...Does anybody really know who came up with these?

Warnerade
01-12-2006, 09:33 PM
chuck norris possessed this cat.

CRich[814]
01-12-2006, 11:21 PM
chuck norris walked down the sidewalk one day with an erection, there were no survivors

chuck norris has never found waldo, but promises to kick his @ss when he does

LTZ400rider
01-12-2006, 11:44 PM
funnier

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Warnerade
01-13-2006, 05:16 AM
Originally posted by exrider13
chuck norris has never found waldo, but promises to kick his @ss when he does its actualy "chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding"

thank you, better luck next time:)

Quad18star
01-13-2006, 05:57 AM
Originally posted by bluebaron
I have never understood the whole chuck norris things. I just can't find it comical.

Same here .:ermm:

wilkin250r
01-13-2006, 09:45 AM
Hitler was tea-bagged to death. That's damn funny.

Sure, it would have been easy for Chuck Norris to give ol' Hitler a fatal roundhouse, but that would have been far too quick and painless for the likes of the evil dictator.

sp1tekiller
01-13-2006, 10:27 AM
I've seen most of those before, but they are all still damn funny.

ballz2thewall
01-13-2006, 10:30 AM
How do you think Bruce Lee really died? Round house kick to the face!