Canadian jokes

[daiglea]

CANADIAN JOKE # 1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits
down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #3

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit,
monsieur?"

CANADIAN JOKE #4

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU *******!!!"


CANADIAN JOKE #5

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

[outacontrol31]

haha, lmao i like em, the fly one is funny as hell though

[daiglea]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her
*** that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget
You."
_________________

[outacontrol31]

:eek2:

[I-7]

Joke #5 was the best ;) :p

[Alberta_Qaudin]

a newbrunsicker, and nova sotian and a quebecer, were walking threw an antique store one day and and the newbie, rubbed against an ancient lamp.....a genie appeared and offered each of the men 1 wish each.

the quebecer immediatly spoke up. "i'de like to have a walla built the enitre way around quebec to keep all the englishment out.

the newbie said," i'de like for once to be able to drive a 2 lane highway all the way from one end of New Brunswick to the other thats smooth as a babies *****

the Nova scotian turn to the genie and asks. "so that wall is it water proof" the genie nods..."well filler up"

[daiglea]

Originally posted by I-7
Joke #5 was the best ;) :p
What can i say our goverment ROCKS

[Quad18star]

ROFLMAO ..... those are some pretty good ones . The one about the girls night out is hilarious.

[daiglea]

This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to have a $100
dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist asks why in
the hell he wants that on his member.

The guy replies that he likes to play with his money, likes to
watch his money grow and best of all, his wife can blow a 100
bucks without leaving the house.

[daiglea]

Jokes For Blondes

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".

[Quad18star]

Originally posted by Alberta_Qaudin
a newbrunsicker, and nova sotian and a quebecer, were walking threw an antique store one day and and the newbie, rubbed against an ancient lamp.....a genie appeared and offered each of the men 1 wish each.

the quebecer immediatly spoke up. "i'de like to have a walla built the enitre way around quebec to keep all the englishment out.

the newbie said," i'de like for once to be able to drive a 2 lane highway all the way from one end of New Brunswick to the other thats smooth as a babies *****

the Nova scotian turn to the genie and asks. "so that wall is it water proof" the genie nods..."well filler up"

LMMFAO .... now that is one I'm gunna have to remember .

[daiglea]

Newfie Rescue
Two Newfies walk into a bar in "Gander". While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their own moonshine operations.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.
One of the Newfies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller there lady?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Lard liftin' Jesus, kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head no.
The Newfie walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the
bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[daiglea]

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

[Quad18star]

Originally posted by daiglea
One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

:eek2: :devil:

[LTandRaptorider]

Ok for the rest of us that don't parlay vous francais too well... what was the punchline to joke number 3 in the first post?

And oui... they were funny! :p

[Quad18star]

Originally posted by LTandRaptorider
Ok for the rest of us that don't parlay vous francais too well... what was the punchline to joke number 3 in the first post?

And oui... they were funny! :p You must brush up on your french if you're gunna be comming up here buddy . ;)

Anyways the punch line when translated says " What did you say Sir?" ..... emaning the guy now has the brain of a Quebecer ... 99% french . Quebecers are very well liked in Canada because of the way they want to be their "own people, own country" .

Half my family is from Quebec :rolleyes: and I hate having to go visit them .... Quebec laws are so damn stupid . On a sign or billboard, the french writting has to occupy or be atleast 85 -90% larger than the English writting .

[LTandRaptorider]

Originally posted by Quad18star
You must brush up on your french if you're gunna be comming up here buddy . ;)

all I wanna know is... will there be a French maid there? :confused: :devil:

all this French talk reminds me of a picture I saw long ago... It was an inch worm on top of a french fry... the caption read, "Knock it off azzhole, I'm a french fry!" :eek:

[LTandRaptorider]

dammit, I now have french running through my mind.... c'est la vie... mixing with a little German and Russian... wonder where all that came from... time for another drink, I think... :blah:

[DEAL]

Molson isn't beer either lol...
I'd refer to it as more of a laxative."
Or piss.

[Quad18star]

Bart ... i didn't know you speak french ... kind of . LOL .

That cartoon with the french fry and the worm stormed up a lot of controversy . It stired up a lot of lawsuits about discrimination to french people in the workplace . I say F'em if they can't take a joke.

Alors Bart , Tu viendras au chalet et on va boire de la briere d'homme , et non la biere des americains .... c'est de l'eau ca !!!!:devil:

[Quad18star]

Originally posted by DEAL
Molson isn't beer either lol...
I'd refer to it as more of a laxative."
Or piss.

Gotta love the Molson Mudslides the next morning .... main reason I don't drink Molson too often .

[LTandRaptorider]

Originally posted by Quad18star
Bart ... i didn't know you speak french ... kind of . LOL .

That cartoon with the french fry and the worm stormed up a lot of controversy . It stired up a lot of lawsuits about discrimination to french people in the workplace . I say F'em if they can't take a joke.

Alors Bart , Tu viendras au chalet et on va boire de la briere d'homme , et non la biere des americains .... c'est de l'eau ca !!!!:devil:

alright, I'll come up, but you are not doing that to me! :eek: :p

[DEAL]

Originally posted by Quad18star
Gotta love the Molson Mudslides the next morning .... main reason I don't drink Molson too often .


Lol . Keiths all the way.

[Quad18star]

Originally posted by LTandRaptorider
alright, I'll come up, but you are not doing that to me! :eek: :p LMAO ..... You better sleep with one eye open .... we Canadians have "special" ways to greet new people to our country. Just playing . Everyone tells me I have a french accent , but hell I'm the most english speaking person out of all my friends ..... I don't remember the last time I Had a conversation in french since I left highschool .

[Hondadudeehhhh]

french is confusing. All i know is Ca Va

[LTandRaptorider]

Originally posted by Quad18star
LMAO ..... You better sleep with one eye open .... we Canadians have "special" ways to greet new people to our country. Just playing . Everyone tells me I have a french accent , but hell I'm the most english speaking person out of all my friends ..... I don't remember the last time I Had a conversation in french since I left highschool .

on a side note, I have a French military rifle for sale... only dropped once! :eek: :blah: