Another joke...

[LTandRaptorider]

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the
counter in the pro shop and says "I would like 18 holes of golf and a
caddie.

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem.
But all of the caddies are out on the course. But what I will do for you
is this. We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. IF you're willing
to take one with you out on the course and you will come back and tell
me if they're efficient, your round of golf is on me today!"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. The golfer approached
the first tee, looked at the fairway and says, "I think my driver will
do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet from right in front of hole on
the green. The golfer turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said "I think this
green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left."

Having thought about the last time the robot corrected his prediction,
he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied
the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. And his luck didn't end there!


His entire game was the best game he ever played thanks to the
assistance of the new robot golf caddie!

Upon returning to the Club House, the man behind the counter asked "How
was your game?"

The golfer stated "It was by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank
you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next
week!" A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro
shop. Upon entering the pro shop, he turned to the man behind the
counter and said "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot
golf caddies please!"

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said "Well,
the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.
We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer turned to the man and said "COMPLAINTS? Who in the
hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It
was that they were silver and the glare from the machine was blinding
to other golfers on the fairway."

So the golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man said, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work and the
other 4 robbed the pro shop!"


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him
that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a
weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my *** coming into work today."

[ILGNCC400EX]

Jerry is gonna be pizzed at that first one

[brian-250]

hardy har har, thats a real nee slapper.:rolleyes:































:blah:

[Hozed]

rofl.... thats funny.

[stonerider250x]

haha the first one is funny but the second one is....lame:p

[rollie]

lmao haha:)

[LTandRaptorider]

Originally posted by stonerider250x
haha the first one is funny but the second one is....lame:p

I agree... :o I'm looking for better stuff! :)

[Rip_Tear]

I got my excuse for work on monday... :D

[brian-250]

Originally posted by Rip_Tear
I got my excuse for work on monday... :D



lmao, me too, if i even go.:D

[chucked]

Originally posted by ILGNCC400EX
Jerry is gonna be pizzed at that first one

why????? did i miss something???

[JR3]

lmao :D

[400exr]

I got one!

A Canadian walks into a bar and sits down. After a few hours he gets a phone call, then after he hangs he says " that was the hospital, my wife just had our baby!. It's a 20 pound baby boy!!" the others in the bar can't belive what they just heard, and a women even faints with simpathiy pains. The man then pays for a round of drinks, and everyone is happy. A week later the canadian walks back into the same bar. The bartender, remebering the man, asks him "hey, we're all excited to hear how your baby is doing, some of us have even made bets on how big he must be now!, so how is he?" the man then looks up and smiles "well, he's 15 pounds now" the bartender can't belive this, and then the man adds "we had him curcumsized"

[Fred55]

A teacher in a one room school house shows up one morning and sees an apple on her desk that has a tag on it that says T.O.T.
Guessing that it is a swear word shes asks one of the white boys in her classroom what it means and he says " To Our Teacher"

The next day she comes in and sees and apple that says T.O.T.W.L. She asks what it means and the kids say " To Our Teacher With Love"

Then finally the next day she comes into school and sees another apple with a note that says F.U.*.K. (*=C) The teacher looks and thinks to herself that is has to be a swear and she asks little buckwheat in the front row what it means and he replies.....
"From Us Colored Kids!!!"

[diesel-mech]

A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives
at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the
upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway
through the first quarter he sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field,
right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and
around the security guards to the empty seat
As he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next
to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The
man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a
great seat for the game, he again inquires of the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the
Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl
we haven't been together at, since we got married.

Well, "Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't
find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close
relative?'

"No," the man replies, "They're all at the
funeral."







An old man catches his grandson looking at a girly magazine. He sits his grandson down for a talk about the birds and the bees.. He tells the boy he is going to give him the correct names of all the reproductive organs so the boy will be well informed about sexual intercoarse.

First he explains the male organ. "Boy, men have what is medically known as a weinner. When they get excited by a woman it is then known as a stiffy.

The young boy listens attentively to his grandfather. So next the old man explains about woman. "Girls have what is scientifically known as a LOVE TUNNEL"

The little boy, curious about a womans body, asks what a "LOVE TUNNEL" looks like? The grandfather replies "well that depends on if you want to know what it looks like before or after sex"

Confused the little boy says "I geuss before sex grandpa"
"Well before sex you will never know anything more wonderfull, It is enchanting, its has the smoothest velevety feel, and the taste is of the nectar of the heavens.

The little boy is amazed and wants to learn more so he asks "WOW, Well what does it look like after sex grandpa?"

The old man considers the question and finally answers.....



"Boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaze?"

[Ryan]

Originally posted by LTandRaptorider
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the
counter in the pro shop and says "I would like 18 holes of golf and a
caddie.

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem.
But all of the caddies are out on the course. But what I will do for you
is this. We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. IF you're willing
to take one with you out on the course and you will come back and tell
me if they're efficient, your round of golf is on me today!"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. The golfer approached
the first tee, looked at the fairway and says, "I think my driver will
do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet from right in front of hole on
the green. The golfer turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said "I think this
green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left."

Having thought about the last time the robot corrected his prediction,
he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied
the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. And his luck didn't end there!


His entire game was the best game he ever played thanks to the
assistance of the new robot golf caddie!

Upon returning to the Club House, the man behind the counter asked "How
was your game?"

The golfer stated "It was by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank
you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next
week!" A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro
shop. Upon entering the pro shop, he turned to the man behind the
counter and said "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot
golf caddies please!"

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said "Well,
the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.
We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer turned to the man and said "COMPLAINTS? Who in the
hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It
was that they were silver and the glare from the machine was blinding
to other golfers on the fairway."

So the golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man said, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work and the
other 4 robbed the pro shop!"



LMAO! :p

[Dan229]

Funny story that was sent to me:


The horror of blimps

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controlled indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three-year-old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp, which was up until this moment a fun toy, here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

In spite of its noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knew this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan, which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp, which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.


***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dynamics between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the Internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

[diesel-mech]

/\/\/\/\ Thats Great!!!!!!!:blah: :D :macho